


Hold Me Close

by Bates



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (minor characters), (of a minor character), Alternate Universe - Domestic, Aromantic Character, Aromantism, Art Teacher Castiel, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Cemetery, Christianity, Deployment, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Grieve, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kid Fic, M/M, Minor Character Death, Panty Kink, Self Harm References, Soldier Dean Winchester, cas wearing panties, mentions of scars
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-21 10:01:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3688029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/Bates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In his entire life, Castiel hadn't expected diapers, baby bottles and nights without sleep because one of the kids had a rough night to ever be in his future. Yet, it is. Dean and he spend days logging around strollers, trying to make ends meet and working through their problems.<br/>If he's honest, the only thing keeping him on top of it, is Dean and Dean? He won't stay forever. After all, his boyfriend is a soldier. They spend the first few weeks of them taking care of the kids in a steady pace; Cas taking the time to work through losing his brother and enjoying each other's company. Dean's deployment crawls upon them when they expect it least, the date coming closer and closer with each passing day.</p><p>[TO BE REWRITTEN.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PART ONE: Chapter one; Goodbye College

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this is a work in progress, I will attempt to find an update arrangement that suits both my writing pace and your liking. At the moment, I will probably end up posting a new chapter every Saturday or Sunday, depending on how much work I have for school during the week.  
> (Edit as of 11/02/2015: With my recent study schedule, I'm at a chapter a month give or take. I'm really trying to get this out of the way and be a little quicker with the chapter. I'll do my best to get back to once a week!)  
> If you would have any input on this, feel free to let me know.
> 
> I most sincerely hope that you'll enjoy both the fic and this chapter.

 

_I don't know how to not miss you._

_It seems that you have taken up a permanent residence_

_in the place that used to be my heart,_

_but now is just a sea of thoughts about you_

[ **\- h.v.** ](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/9d/b9/0f/9db90f544b11c4de50922dfdb68e4b3a.jpg)

 

The darkness in their bedroom was both a comfort and a threat, the way it had been for what felt like ages now. Darkness brought calmness and silence along. The only thing was, you couldn't run away from monsters without the light. They ended up surrounding you and catching up. He couldn't afford to let everything get to him during the day. He couldn't leave the kids alone if he zoned out. At night, when they were asleep, he could let himself go, break down. He didn’t care if the monsters caught up.

Losing his brother had made Cas realize a lot of things, but the most important of them all was, that he wasn't alone. Not anymore. For years, he had thought that he was alone out there, that Jimmy and he were left on their own devices. In getting to know Dean, he learned that he wasn't. He had learned that life could be good, even if it was only for a little while.

Dean taught him how to open up, take care of himself better and well, how trivial as it could be, to do his laundry. Both Jimmy's and his lives got better after they met their partners. If anything, it made him feel like he was living a cliché, but it was true. Dean made things easier for him.

Dean and Cas, they had a good thing going on, even if what was going on wasn’t ideal. For the first time in ages, Cas had felt like he was at a moment in his life where he could say that he felt confident in himself. Of course, that  security had to go away after just a few months.

 

Tonight was just a rough night. He would be standing in front of that crowd in a few hours and he'd be on his own. Castiel pulled back the blankets and slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb Dean. His boyfriend had his own demons to work through, his own difficulties. Cas had long since lost count of how often he and his boyfriend had missed nights of sleep, because of the kids and because of everything going around in their heads.

He had been going through a rough time sleeping again, Cas knew that. He pretended he didn't, because he knew that his boyfriend was too stubborn to admit to it regardless. Seeing him safe and sound asleep was a reassurance that things were starting to be that tiny bit better. At least on that he could count. Dean was predictable that way. If there was something seriously bothering him, he didn't sleep. Once his boyfriend had worked through things, he could sleep again.

Castiel knew that his deployment was bothering him. That him being shipped back made him feel insecure, worried. He’s said as much.

 

Castiel had to be at his college graduation ceremony in just a few hours. While it should make him feel happy and excited, perhaps a bit anxious, all it did was make him feel insecure and well, sad. In a little over seven hours, he would be officially graduated. He would have his diploma, he could go out and go to work. He could finally help contribute to their tiny family. Castiel could move on, leave school behind and start a new chapter in his life.

If anything, that should be a good thing. And it was, Cas realized that. He just didn't know if he wanted to go through this alone. Dean would be there and no doubted, Dean's family would be too. Castiel knew that his tiny family would be there too, that the twins would be adorable in their dresses and that Dean Ben and Nick would be asleep but there. It just was that such an essential part of his family would be missing.

It had been years now since his parents had passed away after a robbery gone wrong. It had been a sick leap of fate and nothing could change that it happened. Cas knew that. He had worked through losing them a while ago. After all, ten years were a very long time to grieve. He still missed his parents, especially on days like this, but now he was twenty-five, he coped.

On days like this, the memory that he still had of them just hit him. He saw them in everything that he did. He could so easily imagine them in the back of the crowd, sitting with Dean and Jimmy, smiles on their faces. He imagined them to be so incredibly proud of him, for finishing what everybody thought he would never do.

He could imagine them taking pictures without cease. Both Jimmy and he always hated pictures, but that day would mark a big milestone in both of their lives. Castiel knew his brother. They would have made an exception, because of their parents. They couldn't now. It wouldn't happen, not today, not in ten years, never. Their parents had left them years ago and wouldn’t be coming back, not for graduation, not for anything.

If anything, he just wished he could have their picture taken.

 

Jimmy, his twin brother, wouldn't be there to see him graduate either. His loss had been so recent that it almost was a miracle that Castiel had managed to finish his last year of college. Only Dean's encouragements and love had been able to force him out of bed in the morning to go to lectures, only to come back and crawl back in bed. Dean had helped him prepare for his finals, brought him coffee and food. On the days that he felt especially bad, Dean would take him out on a walk with the kids to distract him. That helped him, helped him quite a lot.

Really, Dean was all that he could wish for and being able to hold his brother's children and help raise them, it too helped. He saw Jimmy in each of them, saw him in their eyes and Ben and Nick’s little smiles, Claire and Zoey’s little dimples. They looked so much like their father that sometimes, seeing them smile was enough to bring tears to his eyes.

Castiel realized that he was pushing the loss down and that one day, everything would come crashing down on him in the future. He dreaded that day but knew that him succeeding right now was more important. He needed to be out and working, to help provide for their family.

God knew that they needed the extra cash. His brother’s assets had been put on his account, so that did help, but it was still hard for both of them. Dean and he had moved into the house that the older twins, Zoey and Claire were used to. Because of that reason, them being used to it and the fact that they couldn’t afford their apartment - which they ended up being able to sell for quite a good amount - and the house.

  

Dean was great. He was the best boyfriend that he could possibly wish for. He was kind and loving, always tried to be patient even when he didn't really get what Cas was going through. What was best about him, he didn't pretend that he did. He just threw his arms around him and told him that it would be okay. It didn’t always help and sometimes, the only thing that it did do was make him feel worse about everything, but on some days, it was what he needed.

After all, Dean had been there too. He had lost his mother when he was just a little boy. While Castiel still had memories of his parents, his boyfriend could barely picture Mary. The fire that took her life had burned almost every picture that they had of them, so even in terms of pictures, there was very few left of her.

Tonight had been rough on him. Dean hadn't really noticed it when they crawled into bed, but he just felt off, completely off. The crying hadn't started until the wee hours of the morning, after being up for hours without drifting off to sleep. Dean had had his rough spot, this time, it was Castiel's turn to feel like shit on a regular basis. Couldn't they just have a break every once in a while, no? Was that so much to ask for?

It was the reason that he had gotten out of bed. His crying had gotten so bad that he could barely breathe, the sobs restricting his lungs. He would have woken Dean up if he stayed in bed, and that was the last thing that he wanted. Dean would want to be there for him, comfort him and Cas, he just wanted to be alone. He needed to be alone for a little while, catch a break from everybody around him.

While he would understand, seeing him like this would only make Dean worry. His boyfriend had been through so much with him the past couple of weeks that he didn't want to put him through even more. As it was, they were already testing their relationship. Castiel didn't want to risk them falling apart too and being alone with Claire, Zoey, Nick and Ben. They were all sweethearts, especially the girls, who tried everything to make their unca Cas laugh, but he just couldn't handle four kids under two all on his own.

 

Castiel didn't calm down enough until he hid in the bathroom, the shower warming as he undressed. The noise of the water was the only way that Dean wouldn't be too worried if he found out. Cas could always say that Ben or Nick had peed on him, it wouldn't be the first time either of them had done that since they came home from the hospital. The shower helped him clear his head, gave him something to focus on.

He had lost his brother just three weeks ago. The wound that losing him left was still frayed and bleeding. Castiel didn't know if those wounds would ever close up or if he would have to wait for his mind to catch up with him before he forgot just how horrible that night had been.

Castiel couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if Dean and he hadn't taken the night off. They had both put their phones on silent, wanting the night for themselves. Or at least, as to themselves as it could be with eighteen month old twins on their hands. They had offered to take care of the twins for a night so that Jimmy and Amelia could go ahead and go to the hospital.

Nick and Ben had been born at just twenty-nine weeks. The odds for the tiny baby boys could have been worse, if Amelia hadn't been admitted at twenty-four weeks, she probably would have had them back then. If that had happened, they would have had to stay a lot longer.

As it was, both baby’s were doing good when the accident happened. The doctors had just let them know that if they continued to strive like that, they could probably come home sooner rather than later. Jimmy was so excited about taking them home, it had been adorable to see.

Jimmy and Amelia had been on the road when the accident happened, a drunk driver on the wrong side of the road. The crash had killed them upon impact, or at least, that was what the doctors assumed.

When the hospital called, neither Dean nor Cas noticed the buzzing of their phones. They were putting the twins to bed. Castiel didn’t notice the missed calls until five am. They had already been dead for six hours at that point. His brother’s body had already been in the hospital for six hours before it was even known that he had passed on. Listening to that voice mail message, it broke him. Broke him into tiny little pieces. If Dean hadn't been there, he didn't know what would have happened to him.

He remembered how numb he had felt through it all, planning the funeral, getting custody of the children. Dean and he had never expected to become fathers so soon. They hadn't even been talking about it, and now they were the fathers of four children under two, two of whom were still in the hospital.

Their relationship wasn't ready for that kind of burden, they both knew that and yet, they had to. There was no way that Castiel could see them go to foster homes. The kids deserved to stay together, to grow up together. Especially because both of them were sets of twins. Even though they tried to keep twins together, they didn't always manage to do that.

 

Castiel reluctantly turned off the shower when his tears dried. They were slowly running out of warm water and if the toddlers didn't have warm water in the morning, they would be pissed. He could hear the tiny little grunts from Ben - or was it Nick? They sounded too the same - through the baby monitor. Soon enough, he'd be throwing a fit because he was hungry. If one was up, the second one would soon follow and worst case scenario, the girls too.

   Life as a parent, it was growing on him. He started to recognize which little cry belonged to a new diaper, which one meant that he was just being fussy or gassy and which one meant that he was hungry. Castiel didn’t bother getting dressed past his underwear as he padded to the nursery and took Ben - he had been right in guessing who it was - out of his crib. The only person who could walk in on him was Dean and the twins and he really didn't care if any of those saw him half naked. Dean had seen him naked quite often and the twins, well, they really didn't care about that. They shouldn't at least - they were still baby's. He'd be impressed with them if they even managed to climb out of their cribs.

   “Hey there baby, what’s wrong?” he whispered, gathering him in his arms. Even though Ben was getting more muscle strength now, he was still worried every time that he held him. He was just such a frail little thing, he didn’t want to do something wrong, which he knew he could. It was too easy.

 

Ben didn’t sleep again that night. Cas tried everything, rocking him, another pacifier, new diaper, everything. He even filled the little tub with warm water and let him kick around in it, something he usually enjoyed, nothing helped.

   “You miss your daddy, don’t you?” he whispered, letting him rest on his chest. “I do too bub. It’s okay, uncle Dean and I, we got you. We’re going to take care of you, okay? I know I’m not your daddy.” He pressed a kiss to the little one’s head. “We love you regardless, okay? We're not even remotely attempting to replace your daddy or mommy. But we'll take care of you, okay? Pinkie promise.”

   Dean chose that moment to walk through the doors of the nursery, still sleepy and obviously not happy with being up so early. It was an adorable look on him, hair sticking out in places, shirt rumbled and PJ pants low on his hips, revealing just that tiny sliver of skin.

   “Go to bed Cas,” he muttered, reaching out to take little Ben from him. “Graduation is in a little bit. You need sleep.”

   “Couldn’t sleep.” And just from his tone of voice, Dean got what he meant and backed off.

   “Scoot over. I’m sorry man. We knew today was going to be hard,” he muttered, sliding in next to him, letting his boyfriend rest his head on his shoulder. “You’ll pull through. You know you can.”

   Castiel leaned into the touch, letting his head fall on Dean’s shoulder. “I don’t know Dean. I honestly don’t know.”

 

He had no other choice but to pull through. Castiel owed it, owed it to everyone; his parents, his brother. What made him eventually feel a bit better about himself, was seeing his little family in the crowd. Or well little, ever since Ben and Nick came home with them, not so little.

Dean had this huge grin on his lips that Castiel wouldn’t trade for anything and by the time they were allowed to go, even Ben was up and smiling at him from Dean’s arms. Nick was still sleeping in one of the two strollers, hidden under the thin summer blanket Dean and Cas had bought him as a present when Jimmy and Amelia were still around. The girls were passed out in the stroller, their little rabbit teddy bears clutched in their hands and heads close together.

“I’m so proud of you,” Dean muttered against his lips before pressing a soft kiss to them. “So incredibly proud.” Castiel couldn’t stop the smile from creeping on his lips. Hugging Dean when he was holding Ben still felt just a little bit awkward. He was always afraid that they would squish him, but feeling him reach out and grasp Cas’s robe in his tiny fist was so worth it.

   “Thanks babe.”

   “Dude. Gross.” A very familiar voice sounded from behind him. When he turned around, he saw the all too familiar Sasquatch grin at him, a blonde girl standing just a tiny bit awkward next to him. “Congrats Cas!”

   “Thanks Sam,” he said, awkwardly accepting his hug. He didn’t mind behind hugged occasionally, but one just didn’t hug Sam without it getting awkward. “I didn’t know that you were coming.”

   “Dean invited us over. You can’t be on your graduation all alone. Cas, this is Jess. Jess, this is Castiel, my brother’s boyfriend.” Jessica seemed nice enough. She had this sweet look to her, almost like innocence.

“Sam has told me all about you,” she said, kindly. “It’s nice meeting you.”

“Nice meeting you too,” he muttered, taking Ben from Dean. "I can't say I've heard too much about you, but I've been studying a lot lately so I’m out of the loop. All I've heard is positive though. This is little Ben, Nick is in the stroller and I’ll introduce the girls when they’re awake."

"Good to know," she said with a smile. "Hey there little one. Can I?" She took Ben from Castiel, the baby just a little confused about being passed on. He stared at her with those big blue eyes, a curious expression in his eyes, before drifting off to sleep. "He's gorgeous."

"He is," Castiel smiled proudly, “and he seems to like you. Trust me, he’ll scream if he doesn’t. You’d be surprised at how much noise tiny babies can make.”

He didn't care that people were staring at their little family. There weren't too many people in his year that already had a family. Castiel personally knew one girl, who had her first baby a year before graduation and that was about it.

But then again, he didn't know if they were staring at him because of the kids or because of Dean. In the few years that he had went to college there, he hadn't really openly talked about his sexuality or relationships. Just one or two people knew that he was in a steady relationship and that was because they had seen him out.

He wasn't hiding it, far from, it just wasn't ever mentioned. If people didn't ask, he just didn't talk about it. Dean shared his views, even though he was a bit more open about it at the garage. After all, he worked with his family so it wasn't like he could hide it.

"Isn't John coming?"

"He'll join us at the diner, there was work that he had to do or something. An emergency at the shop. Bobby will join us there too," Dean promised, taking Ben from Jess to strap him in the stroller. "We good to go? I'm starving."

“How did you even get the strollers in here?” Castiel eyed the two double strollers suspiciously. “It’s too far to walk with all of them.”

“We met up back at the house, I don’t think Dean would have made it here otherwise,” Sam said, clearly trying not to make fun of his brother and failing miserably. “Why don’t you invest in one of those strollers for four kids? You’ll probably be needing them quite a bit before they are ready to walk full time.”

“Too big, we can barely get into shops as it is, let alone with one for four. You try dragging these massive things through a local grocery shop man. It’s brutal. One time, I almost took out an employee.” The grin spread on Dean’s lips again. “She was pissed.”

“Fair point. I don’t blame her though.”

 

Dinner was pleasant after they had finally managed to get the strollers in the diner. Jimmy and Amelia had invested in one of those incredibly expensive joggers strollers for the twins before they even knew that they were going to have a third kid - let alone before they knew that they would be in for twins again.

If anything, Cas was glad that they hadn’t invested in one of those massive strollers that seated four. Getting into stores with the two double strollers or with one double stroller and the boys in a carrier was hard enough, he didn’t want to imagine the horrors an even bigger stroller would bring with it.

Both Claire and Zoey ended up sleeping until they were hungry, which was a blessing in disguise. The girls didn’t always like being strapped in when the stroller wasn’t moving around and tended to make a fuss about it. While Ben and Nick couldn’t get out and wander off, these two could. Catching them when they found an opening to escape was almost hell sometimes. It wasn’t like they could run too far, considering that they weren’t too steady on their feet, but when you had two more kids to keep an eye on, it could get more than a little bit annoying.

Cas hadn’t expected it all to be like this. All of this was so incredibly confusing, not only for them as parents, but also for the kids. There were days that Castiel got up and changed Ben, muttering to him about how daddy Dean would have to change the poopy diapers next time, only to realize later that it was uncle Dean and not daddy Dean.

Daddy was a name that was reserved for Jimmy and for Jimmy alone. He didn’t have the right to take that name, no matter how often the doctors at the clinic that he went to told him that it was okay for them to start seeing them as their father. After all, he now was their father. As they grew, they would realize that Castiel wasn’t their father, but they would still see him as a father figure. The name felt wrong. He wasn’t their father nor was Dean, they were their uncles. Maybe in time, as Castiel learned to cope with the loss, he would start accepting it, but right now? He didn’t even dream of ever hearing any of them call him daddy.

“You still with us?” He looked up from his plate confused. He hadn’t realized how zoned out he had become.

“Yeah. Just thinking. This is weird.” And it was. Here they were, like a big family, laughing and having dinner together. He felt, happy? If that was the right name for it. He felt happy and relieved that perhaps they were doing a good job.

“We should wake the twins or they won’t eat later. They always get picky when they haven’t had their lunch,” Dean said as Ben finished his bottle.

“I don’t know how you did it Cas, but you actually converted my brother into a full fletched father. Congrats man.”

“You know we can drop all of them off at your place for a night?” Castiel asked jokingly. “You know, you’ll totally get how your brother became so fatherly. If we don’t feed them now, they won’t eat until seven pm and then they won’t go to sleep again until eleven pm and let me tell you, the boys don’t sleep through the night yet and if they act like their hyperactive selves until eleven, I can guarantee you you’ll stick to schedules. We did that one time and I can tell you. Worst. Night. Ever.”

Just the look of horror on Sam’s face was enough to make Dean almost double over laughing.

“True story man. We didn’t sleep properly for at least a week. Schedules are sacred let me tell you that. You know, for when you two ever decide to have kids. Sammy, you want to hold him for a second while I try to get these rascals awake?”

“Yeah, sure.” Ben looked tiny when Dean or he was holding him, but in Dean’s taller brother’s arms, the kiddo almost seemed to drown. Not that Ben really seemed to mind though, he settled himself against Sam easily, drifting to sleep within seconds. “Hi there little big man. You sleepy huh?”

“Yeah. It’s about time for his nap, the little fella has been awake for too long already,” Dean sighed. “Having kids is harder than it seems Sammy.”

“Oh shut it, you love them.” Castiel shifted his gaze, trying to see Dean’s reaction. He had never dared to even remotely ask this question to Dean, if he liked the kids, if he didn’t mind raising them with him. After all, it had almost been an obligation. They loved each other, but if Dean hadn’t wanted to help Castiel with the kids, well, then they would have split up. He knew that.

“Of course I do.” Dean grinned, looking at Castiel. “I love those little rascals, doesn’t mean that it’s not hard man. How often have you been up since five am the last month? I’d kill just to sleep in.” Cas didn’t even bother to hide the affectionate smile that stretched over his lips as he unbuckled little Zoey from the stroller. Her sister and she had curled up close to each other, almost like they had put a mirror between them. It only helped him realize just how adorable the twins could really be when they weren’t screaming their lungs out.

Zoey looked up at him grumpily, as if she was wondering why the hell he was waking her up. They both tended to do that, but well, Zoey was for sure the one that could pull the saddest faces if something was happening that she didn’t like. Claire was more the calm one, she could stay silent but if something wasn’t to her liking, she’d for certainly let you know.

 

John and Bobby arrived after a half an hour, just in time to finish eating with them. The girls had eventually eaten, which was a tiny victory for them. They tended to be annoyed enough about being woken up that they didn’t want to eat, all they did was grumpily stare and clutch their stuffed animals close to them.

But then again, they were kids and pancakes were good options for any kid. Especially Zoey seemed to love the blueberry pancakes. She ended up finishing what her sister couldn’t.

“We should get them to bed,” Dean muttered, gently patting Claire’s head. She had settled herself against his arm, hands circled around his arm. “Or they’ll be grumpy all day.”

“Probably. I’m sorry guys.”

“Don’t worry about it, kids come first,” Jessica said with a smile. “Sam promised that he’d show me where he grew up anyway.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, you can find me on my [Tumblr](http://buriedsam.tumblr.com) if there would be any questions regarding the fic. A masterpost can be found on [Livejournal](http://youaregonecas.livejournal.com/7955.html). This fic will be crossposted both on AO3, LJ and Tumblr.
> 
> As this fic progresses, appropriate tags will be added please keep an eye on them if you are easily triggered.


	2. Chapter two; domesticity

_ _

 

_"Because in the end, when you lose somebody,_

_every candle, every prayer is not going to make up_

_for the fact that the only thing you have left_

_is a hole in your life where_

_that somebody that you cared about_

_used to be."_

_~ sd._

 

__

 

In the past couple of weeks, both Dean and Cas had gotten quite a lot fitter. The kids forced them to go to a lot of the places they were supposed to be on foot and well, the walking did both of them good. They had the car seats, that wasn’t the problem, they just couldn’t go anywhere without taking two different cars. It was too much of a hassle, especially if all they had to do was go get some groceries.

So, today they too were planning on walking home. John and Bobby however steered them in the opposite direction.

“Okay, don’t kill us just yet,” John said gruffly as he led them to a dark grey car, “but we thought that we could get you this as a graduation present. You can’t keep the kids in that Impala without practically dying. No Dean, that car isn’t safe for all of you. So, we thought.” He trailed off. “It’s a big old family car and it’s bulky, nothing like that shiny Impala. Hell, it’s probably the _last_ thing that you want to be driving, but you need it. You can’t even haul around all four and drive your car so. This should fit y’all. Honda Odyssey, fits the six of you and two extra, in case you’d ever decide that four kids isn’t enough for your liking. You’ll finally be able to strap everybody in _without_ almost snapping your back in two to reach them kiddos.”

“It’s –“

“Huge, we know. Trust us, you’ll be happy once you figure out that you can actually fit _both_ strollers in the back and groceries.” John knew that it had been a problem that the two of them had been experiencing. They could go grocery shopping, but they always had to make sure that they went by foot and somehow found a way to carry all the groceries back. They could split up and have one of the two take care of all four, but that proved to be more than hectic.

“Thanks man, it’s too much,” Dean muttered, clearly unsure what to do with himself at that moment. And Cas got that, he really did. It was awkward, getting a gift that big. He wasn’t even sure if they could have ever accepted that if situation had been differently. “It really is.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s the least we can do. If you really want to repay us, offer us a ride back and we don’t talk about it.” Bobby offered them a smile. “No but seriously, don’t worry about it. We needed a present and we got this in after one customer got a new car so.”

 

Turned out Sam had been in the complot. He had gone back to grab the car seats at their house, so they were about good to go. Driving the car felt _weird_ to say the least. It was a lot bigger than Dean’s Impala or Castiel’s former car and well, ran like a dream. Bucking everybody in had been kind of awkward as they figured out where they could best put everybody, but they eventually figured something out that would work for now.

John and Bobby hadn’t been lying about the trunk, it was _heavenly_. It almost fit the two strollers easily. In comparison to their previous cars, this was indeed heaven and nothing could convince Cas of the opposite.

“This is nice,” Dean muttered almost reluctantly, glancing at the mirror to see if the kids were still doing okay back there. “I can see them and it’s awesome.” All of them were passed out in the backseat of the car, the boys in the first row of seats and the girls in the complete back. From the looks of it, neither of them would be waking up anytime soon. “I feel old man. We’re supposed to be you know having fun, looking for jobs, partying, not taking care of four kids under the age of two with sleeping problems. This is weird.”

Castiel recognized the feeling. He had been there, felt like that before. Actually, ever since losing his parents, he had always been one of the guys not to party, to stay alone. The loss of his parents had scarred him too much for him to actually enjoy himself. The scars, they may not be visible, but they were there. People seemed to be afraid to talk to him just because of it.

He remembered how surprised he had been that Dean actually seemed to like talking to him. Castiel meeting Dean had been such a spur of the moment thing and to be honest, quite pathetic.

Jimmy had pushed him to at least _attempt_ socializing. Cas had reluctantly signed himself up on a chatroom and he and Dean started talking. Six months later they met for the first time and another six months later, they realized that fuck it, long distance relationship or not, they could at least attempt to make it work.

Two years later they were still together and more than in love, Castiel just hadn’t expected there to be this many kids this soon pressuring their relationship. Not that he actually minded that he wasn’t going to parties and such, they had lost their appeal a long, long time ago.

“You okay babe?” Dean asked when he noticed how distracted he was. “Silence usually means something’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.”

“Just thinking. You know, we met three years ago. I had never expected there to be four kids under two by now. It’s kind of nice.”

“It is. Do you want to visit Jimmy later? It might help.” In the past few weeks, he hadn’t been to their grave. He had seen it once, when it had been nothing but a pile of dirt on the ground and even that was enough to feel him feel even worse about all of this.

And it wasn’t like the children were old enough to know that those were their parents. They didn’t grasp that just yet. When they were older, Cas would take them but right now, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. Especially not now that they had only passed away a month ago. No, not even a month ago.

Truth was, Castiel didn’t know if he was ready to see his whole family in one graveyard.

“Maybe later, right now, I just want to follow their example and go to sleep.” Dean just chuckled.

“You were up with Ben all night. It surprises me that he didn’t wake Nick up, he always seems to wake up the second that his brother even whines.” Dean fell silent for a little while, all concentration going to driving the car.  “You didn’t sleep again, didn’t you?”

Castiel's silence seemed to be enough of an answer for Dean, who just sighed. “Crawl into bed when we get home and let the girls sleep with you. I’ll take the boys shopping now we can actually haul bottles and heavy stuff without dying. We're out of laundry detergent and almost out of diapers anyway.”

“Again?”

“Babe, we got four kids in diapers, of course we fly through them. Now, don’t worry about it too much, okay?”

 

They pulled up at the house a half an hour later, Castiel taking the twins from their seats and inside. Dean waited until he was safely inside before driving off.

It was nice, being able to go out like this, with the kids in the back and the radio on. Cas didn’t like it too much when he was listening to music too loudly, always afraid that they would injure their ears or something, but it wasn’t that loud.

Nick even seemed to like the music. He smiled around his pacifier, eyes still firmly shut.

 

Dean remembered taking Nick home from the hospital two days before they could take Ben home too and being surprised at how tiny he still seemed to be. The car seat almost drowned him. Now, they fit them better, filled them out a little bit more. They were still smaller than most children, but steadily catching up.It was a reassuring sight. Seeing them for the very first time when Jimmy had brought them pictures, so that they too could see them had shocked him.

Dean was still taken aback sometimes of how much he too missed Castiel’s brother. He didn’t miss him the way that he knew Cas did. For Castiel, losing his brother had meant losing the last member of his family. Jimmy was just a good friend to Dean. Yes, he had learned to care for the dorkier brother of his boyfriend, but it would have never been any more than that.

He hated seeing how much this broke Cas. His boyfriend seemed so frail lately, as if anything could make him snap and truth be told, Dean was starting to believe that. He was starting to believe that he was influenced by Jimmy’s death more than he let show.

Castiel was hiding from him again and it hurt. Part of him wondered, what would happen when his deployment was there, when he had to go away again. Castiel would be on his own with four kids. What if he snapped? What if?

 

It wasn’t the first time that he had done so. In the beginning of their relationship, it had been the same. Dean remembered the first time that they had slept together vividly, how uncomfortable Cas had been, how he had flinched each time that Dean whispered just how much he loved him.

Just getting his angel to undress, it had been brutal to see. He’d lost count of how many times that he had said to Cas that it was okay if he wasn’t ready. He’d sounded like a girl but in that moment, Dean hadn’t cared. Seeing his boyfriend so nervous and messed up just felt _wrong._ Each time he did, Castiel said he was ready, that it wasn’t the problem. And then Cas had shown the reason why he was so insecure about it and Dean’s heart _dropped_. The angry red marks that covered his skin.

“Sometimes, I hate myself,” Castiel had whispered, eyes glued to the comforter on his bed, “and… this happens.” Dean remembered his hands gently swiping over the scars and being just scared for a minute, nothing but scared. His fingers had come away clean but somehow, he had expected them to be stained red.

He remembered kissing the skin there and looking up at Castiel. He remembered saying that he didn’t want Cas to do that, that they could work him through it, through talking or whatever, Dean would try to help as well as he could. It hadn’t solved their problems, obviously. In the months after, his boyfriend still hurt himself, but Dean would take care of him when he found out, help clean out the wounds, nurse him through the aftermath.

Slowly but steadily, Cas had gotten better. He’d stopped eventually, after long months of struggling. Dean knew that just because he didn’t cut anymore, things were completely better, but they were getting there. Just the other day, they’d went out to the zoo with the girls because Cas had finally been clean a year.

 

By the time that Dean came back from the grocery store, Castiel had managed to sleep and was awake again. He hadn’t woke up too long ago,  judging from the disheveled look to him and the way that he sleepily stared off in the distance, a cup of coffee cradled in his hands.

Dean smile before pressing a playful kiss to his cheek and putting the groceries on the table top. “Are the girls still asleep?” Castiel grunted his answer, looking up over his cup grumpily.

“They kicked me out of bed by taking up all the space. They’re still sleeping though.” Dean smiled before nodding to the car.

“I’m going to grab the last things from the trunk, do you mind watching these two rascals for me while I do that?”

 

Castiel sighed as he took Nick from the carrier, letting the little one kick against him. The girls were still asleep in the master bed. When he had left them, they had been curled up together but by now, they were for sure miles apart, each stealing a tiny bed of the bed for themselves. Knowing Claire, she’s be rolled up into a tiny little ball, her rabbit clutched in her grip. Zoey on the other hand would probably be stretched out completely, her rabbit near enough to grab but not really on her.

It was crazy how they managed to show their little personalities and habits that much in just three weeks of taking care of them, how it was already becoming clear just how different they were. Even the boys. Cas _knew_ that the second Nick was picked up by a familiar face, he would smile and grasp their shirt, feet pushing off against their arm. As he was doing right now.

“A little too young to be standing big boy,” Cas sighed affectionately, resting him better against his chest. “Why don’t we wait a little bit with standing and walking? Don’t grow up too quickly.”

“You feeling a bit better?” Dean snaked his arms around his waist, head resting on his shoulder. Castiel melted into the touch.

“Yeah, a bit.” The reply was weak and he knew that, but Dean wouldn’t expect him to be fine this soon. “I just want this day to be over to be honest.” Holding Nick helped, having at least someone to take care of.

“Yeah. Hang in there, okay? We all need you here.” Dean fell silent, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Do you mind filling the sink for me? Ben is in desperate need for a bath, again. I feel like I just bathed him this morning.”

“You did,” Castiel said, slightly amused as he took in the annoyed expression on his boyfriend’s face. “He got you again, didn’t he?” And jus the tiny change in Dean’s expression was enough. “Knock on wood, but he has never peed on me this far. He really doesn’t seem to like you. Or maybe he just likes you too much.”

“Not funny Cas. Not funny, I had to walk around with those two rascals in their stroller, squeezing through the pathways, in just my plaid because the tiny thing decided to pee in the middle of me changing his diaper.” He could barely hide his laughing. “That reminds me, I ran into that old friend of your, uh, what’s her name? Red head?”

“Give me your shirt, I’ll throw it in with the wash in a little bit. I was about to do the laundry anyway. Charlie is your friend Dean.”

“No, not Charlie. Dude, I would have remembered her name.” He groaned. “Well, I ran into her and Jo too, but that’s not who I meant. Sleek red hair, angelic face or whatever you want to call it. She was featured on the same art showing as you were. A… A something.”

“Anna?” Castiel was surprised by this. Anna had moved back to wherever she was from after only one year of being in Lawrence. It was weird for her to be walking around here if she didn’t. “What was she doing here?”

“I don’t know. She asked about you, how you were doing. I told her you were okay, considering. Don’t give me that look man, she knew. Anyway, she’s coming over next week or something. Ruby and her at least.”

“Who is Ruby?”

“Her fiancée. I got the whole explanation. Never have I been so happy that Nick started wailing. Never.”

“Ah, okay. It’s good to hear that she’s at least doing good. Do you know when they’re coming? We can make something nice for them. Maybe we can ask Sam to babysit. Imagine the horror if we ask him to babysit all four. How long before he’d freak out?”

“I give him five minutes. Tops.” Dean barely managed to hide his laugh. “He wouldn’t even allow us to leave the house before he’d freak out.”

“True. Jessica seems really good for him. I like her.” Castiel sighed. “Want me to help you bathe Ben or have you got it?”

“I’m good. The little traitor is out like a light anyway. I’ll bathe him when he wakes up again.”

 

Days passed by in an easy rhythm. They would wake up because of screaming children, ran errands, played with the girls and their dolls, let the toddlers dress up and _pretended_ that they knew what the hell they were going on about. All in all, life was good for them. They manage to avoid big break downs, got the kids in bed at the right time and even got a tiny bit of time for himself.

Most of his free time, Castiel tried to get things settled, get things sorted out with the school that he’d start working. He got offered the job after finishing his internship. He’d helped one of the older teachers out and when he retired, they had offered him the position. The teenagers had liked him as a teacher for a reason that Cas couldn't grasp. He hadn't taught the classes that different from the way that Chuck had done. He appreciated just how much they seemed to like him, but he just didn't really grasp it.

He'd start sooner rather than later. Finding babysitters for the kids proved to be rather difficult. At the moment, Dean was still at home pretty much all day but in a few months, he'd be off to wherever they send him and he wouldn't be able to look after the kids while he was working. They could ask John, but it was too cruel to ask him to look after all four from eight to four. That was just too much. Castiel would feel too guilty about that.

"You're thinking too hard," Dean muttered, lingering in the doorway. It was already dark out, the kids asleep upstairs. "My deployment isn't until August. We got a little bit of time to figure all of this out."

"It's May Dean, May." He barely managed to suppress his groan. "It's already May. School starts in August. That's three months, we only got three months to find four kids a baby sitter. Do you have any idea just how impossible that is? Finding a sitter for just one is hard enough."

"We'll figure something out." Dean pushed the computer closed after saving the page that he was on. "Come to bed babe. Anna and Ruby are coming over tomorrow. Let's try to give your friends the impression that I take care of you." He pried the pen from his hands, pressing gentle kisses to his shoulder.

"Right. Good idea." It was that moment that the sharp cry sounded through the baby monitor. "Or not."

"You crawl into bed - I'll check up on them."

"Sure?"

"You're the one who's been getting up with them all week," Dean muttered, pulling Cas up from his chair. "I'm sure. Go to sleep Cas."

"Good night babe," he sighed, pressing a soft kiss to Dean's lips before following him upstairs reluctantly.

 

Dean sighed as he picked Ben up from his crib, tears spilling over his cheeks. If they stayed in the room much longer, all kids would be awake in no time and if he could, Dean wanted to avoid that. Usually, if he went downstairs and sat down in the rocking chair, Ben would calm down soon enough.

"Hey baby," he whispered, resting him against his chest as he walked down the stairs, careful not to startle him and make this worse than it already was. "What's wrong huh? Just a rough night?" He stroked the baby's back, gentle soothing motions that he knew worked on Cas. "How about I tell you a little story? Maybe that will calm you down." He kept circling Ben's back as he thought of a story to tell.

"Once upon a time," he whispered, "in a city not too far from here, two people met under the strangest of circumstances.  There was one beautiful golden haired woman in town. Every man was drawn to her and her big green eyes." He barely managed to stop the smile spreading his lips. "She didn't pay attention to any of the boys or the girls for that matter. There were quite a few girls crushing on her if you can believe the stories that are told. She dated one, a pretty dark haired girl for a while and, or so the story goes, they were the prettiest couple around. They kept things on the down low in public, but Deanna and Samuel knew, of course. Their daughter was too happy not to have something going on. You know, being in love makes people happy. Like your daddy and mommy. Or your unca Cas and I." Dean pressed a kiss to the top of Ben's head, who was now fast asleep. "I'll finish your story later big man, let's put you to bed."


	3. Chapter three; It’s a perfect day for the park

 

_“I gaze at you, my shining star_

_and wonder why you chose me;_

_this broken little fragment_

_and brought me into your life_

_Your light has given me purpose_

_and mended jagged wounds_

_In return I give my devotion_

_It is all I have to give."_

 

**— It is the only thing that is not shattered** **// s.a**

 

 

Dean woke up with Castiel’s head resting on his chest, his hands clasping at the edges of his shirt. For a moment, he thought his boyfriend was having a nightmare, that it was what had woken him up, but he was smiling. Pleasant dream then. It was a nice change. Castiel had nightmares so frequently that Dean almost looked for the signs of one on autopilot, not even thinking about the fact that it could be a pleasant dream.

The sun was shining through the blinds, the promise of a good day in its wake. Claire was curled up on his other side; her pacifier half out of her mouth half in her mouth, hands grabbing his  Dean only had a vague memory of Cas waking up to grab her from her crib, tears spilling over her little cheeks and then putting her in bed with them. In retrospect, there were worse ways to wake up, like because of a foot in his side or with all four kids in the bed with them.

There had been instances like that in that past few weeks, that Dean had woken up with Cas looking at the ceiling, boys on his chest and the girls tucked at their sides. It was nice sometimes, seeing them so utterly relaxed around them.

Perhaps they could take the kids to the park before Anna and Ruby arrived. He knew that Claire and Zoey would just adore playing in the little sand park and perhaps if they were up for it, go down the slide as well. Dean knew that one of them would probably have to go down with them, but it were the things about parenting that he enjoyed most. Having the chance to take care of them, make them smile.

“Cas,” he muttered, hand coming up to stroke the hair of his face. “Hey, it’s time to wake up baby.”

“Too early,” Cas grumbled, burying his face in Dean’s chest. “I wanna go back to sleep. Shhhh.”

“Well, I’m sure Claire agrees,” he mumbled, smiling as he noticed the angry glare from the toddler at his other side, “but it’s time to get up. Unless you don’t want food before the others wake up. Come on. Chop chop.”

 

Breakfast was a slow affair. Dean made them eggs and bacon, just eggs for Claire. She ate a little grumpily, waddling off to the couch with her rabbit the minute that she was freed from her high chair. Not that it actually surprised Dean. Claire was the one of the girls with the worst mood in the mornings.

“Note to self; don’t accidentally wake up toddlers in the morning,” Dean muttered, a slight smile on his lips as he watched Cas settle next to her, letting her lean back against him and wrapping his arms around her.. He couldn’t understand what he asked her, but not even ten minutes later, a Disney film was playing and she was happy. She was grinning around her pacifier.

“We should wake up the others, I’m not sure that Zoey will eat at noon if we don’t wake her up,” Castiel said from his place on the couch. He probably wouldn’t be moving anytime soon. “Ben and Nick will be awake in a minute anyway.”

“Yeah, sure.” He laughed as Cas attempted to get up, only to be met by Claire’s angry glare. She settled herself better against him.

“Daddy stay,” she mumbled.

“Unca Cas will stay kiddo,” he sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“I’ll do it.”

 

Dean smiled as he snuck in the boys’ room, gently closing the door behind him. Nick was awake, staring up at the stars reflected on the ceiling. He’d known that buying it would end up being a good investment. The smile that stretched across the baby boy’s lips when he saw Dean hanging above his crib, it was worth millions.

“Hi baby, are you awake?” He lifted him up, letting the boy rest his head against his shoulder. “And in need of diaper change I smell. Ugh. Keep the poopy diapers for Cas.” Not that he really minded them that much. He’d grown used to changing diapers, no matter how bad they smelled. Dean still complained and believe him, if he could have Cas or anyone else do them, he _would_ , but in the meantime, he really didn’t mind them that much. “Let’s put you in a nice and clean diaper.”

By the time that he had changed Nick’s diaper, Ben was up and crying. Of course he was. Dean walked downstairs with the two of them on his arms, softly humming ‘hey Jude’ under his breath. It always seemed to calm them down just enough to stop crying and _each_ time, it felt like a little victory.

 

Castiel was waiting for them with their bottles already warmed up. He’d somehow managed to get out of Claire’s grasp of death to go get them. Probably, he’d just asked her if she wanted to help. She had a weak spot for helping people out with anything. Even if it was just punching the numbers on the microwave.

“You take Nick, I’ll take Ben,” Castiel offered. “Claire fell asleep a lil bit ago and let me go. Thought Aurora had a good idea. She’s been out like a light for at least fifteen minutes now.”

“That’s my girl. We should take them out to the park later, it’s gorgeous out and Anna and Ruby shouldn’t get here until four or something. They’d call before they arrive.”

“Yeah, we should. Zoey was asking about it earlier. It would be nice.”

“Sure. You take care of these champions for me while I go get Zoey? I should have woken her up, but I can’t carry three of them down the stairs, just these two get me nervous enough.”

“Sure, go get her.”

 

Claire woke up on cue for her sister to come down and settle next to her. Zoey ate her breakfast on the couch, even though they really shouldn’t have allowed that. They always made a huge mess, both of themselves and the environment they were in, but well, they needed the bath regardless and well, clothes could be washed. Their couch _couldn’t_ but eggs couldn’t leave _that_ bad a stains. Right?

And in the end, what was more important: the girls being happy or a stupid stain on an already ratty couch? If they'd had the budget, they would throw it out and replace it with another one, but they really didn't. Not at the moment at least. 

 

 

The sun was out, but the heat wasn’t too bad, thank god. Ben and Nick were sleeping in their stroller, totally unfazed by the noises of running children, the crying every once in a while or their sisters laughing. Zoey was running from the swings to the sandbox and back again, Dean in tow.

Cas was sitting with the boys and Claire, trying to get the girl covered in sun screen so she wouldn’t burn. While the sun may not be that bad, he didn’t want any of them coming down with sunburns. He knew how much he hated them himself, with kids it _had_ to be even worse.

“Off you go,” he said with a smile when he eventually got her to stand still long enough. “Run to Dean and your sis, they’re waiting for you lil one.”

“Daddy Dea!” she yelled excited as she ran towards Dean, arms stretched out for him to lift her up. Castiel smiled as he took out his cell phone, snapping a picture as his boyfriend lifted her in the air and hugged her. They weren’t supposed to be this adorable. It should be illegal.

Dean pushed them when they wanted to go on the swings, even went down the slides with them when either of the girls wanted to try the slides. Their laughter filled the air around them and well, Cas was happy. He loved seeing them play, adored the big smiles that Dean threw him halfway through wrestling with Claire.

After about a half an hour, Dean and Cas switched places and Cas went out to play with the girls who were already starting to get tired. However, Zoey had been eyeing the monkeybars where the bigger kids were playing. She hadn’t said anything about it to Dean, she was shy like that, but just stared at them.

Now there were no kids playing there and well, she was staring again. He picked her up in his arms, holding her high enough that she could hang on to the bars. While Cas allowed her to hang from them, his hands never strayed more than an inch away, ready to catch her or help her to the next bar.

“How about we go get an ice cream?” he asked her, grinning.

“Can we?” Her eyes went wide, shimmer in her eyes.

“Yeah. Come, little chipmunck, let’s go get Dean and you brothers and go.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is such a short chapter! It really troubled me for some reason.  
> As always, I hope you enjoyed it!


	4. Chapter four; Dinner guests

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, long time no see! I should be making excuses and say that it hasn't been the best time writing wise, but it's been vaguely focussed on this fic and not on the others I've been working on. Regardless of, here is a new chapter! Hope you enjoy.

_ _

 

_Some people don’t know_

_how to deserve better._

_Some people don’t know_

_how to ask the soul_

_to please, please stop aching._

_Some of us have to hurt_

_because without the pain_

_the world would feel too still –_

_Without all the screaming in my head_

_the world would be too quiet._

 

[ **TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT SIMPLE SOLUTIONS (s.b.l.)** ](http://weaponizedlove.tumblr.com/post/128526829203/some-people-dont-know-how-to-deserve-better)

 

 

By the time that Anna and Ruby were supposed to arrive, Castiel was halfway through getting the girls dressed. He’d left Dean to get the boys asleep, because he was both better at getting them down and had more patience with them. He didn't quite have the magical touch that Dean had, didn't get them to sleep when he hummed under his breath or sang them a song. Dean worked well with the babies, he did with the toddlers. Zoey and Claire loved it when he told them stories or read them books.

They had planned on cleaning the house a little bit more once they came home. First plan was to attempt to get everybody dressed in something clean after their ice adventure, get the boys in their cribs and fast asleep. It gave Dean and Cas some time to quickly vacuum downstairs and do some preparations for their dinner so they could spend more time with their guests. Of course, in true Winchester-Novak fashion, it didn't work. It was four pm and Cas was still trying to get Claire to sit still long enough to put her hair up and Dean was still struggling with getting the boys to go down for their nap. The house was still a mess and the food still in the fridge.

Judging from the sounds coming form the nursery, Nick had fallen asleep relatively quickly. Knowing him, he'd look up at Dean with pacifier half in half out his mouth before his eyes fell shut and mouth going slack. Ben on the other hand. Castiel heard his little whimpers and cries all the way to the girls' room. Dean was singing to him, but it still wouldn't quite calm him down.

Thank the lord that the girls were cooperating a little bit better. Claire was all done by now, her hair in a loose braid hitting her shoulders and a skirt and top.They would end up getting exchanged for PJ's soon enough, but everything was better than the sticky ice cream clothes. They could at least pretend that they were a put together family that was completely stable, even if it wasn't quite true.

Zoey insisted on wearing her lace dress, even if it was too warm — Jimmy and Amelia had gotten it for the twins for Christmas the year before and even though it still fit, it was too warm for a day like this. Even at the end of May, the warmth had seemed to creep in every corner of the house and settle there. He’d put the kids to bed in just their diapers for a few days, hoping for an end to the sudden heat wave that had gotten over them. The kids didn't seem to be too bothered by it even if it threw their schedules a bit, but Dean and he felt like they were baking some days.

“You can wear it later, sweetheart,” Cas sighed as he lifted the teary eyed toddler on his lap. Claire was glaring at him from across the room, as if she was judging him for making her sister cry. “You know that beautiful summer dress? That’s nice and flowy and soft? How about you wear that? Maybe you’ll get uncle Dean to put your hair up in a bun again if you do.” He loved the way her smile stretched across her face at the suggestion and the tears at least appeared to go away. For some reason, Dean had taken to dressing the girls and doing their hair in the mornings when Cas had had a rough night or he just couldn’t get out of bed.

“Brother?” she asked, frown on her lips as Ben started crying again.

“Ben’s okay sweetheart, he’s just being fussy about sleeping. Do you want to go to him?” She nodded before reaching her hands up, wanting him to pick her up. “Let’s go to uncle Dean and help him put your brother to bed, okay?”

 

 

Anna and Ruby arrived when Castiel was attempting to calm Ben down and Dean was doing Zoey’s hair. Dean hadn't at all been reluctant to switch their daddy duties around and be away from the crying little thing. It was Castiel who let them in with Ben lying against his shoulder. He had calmed down because of Castiel's fingers rubbing circles on his back. He smiled apologetically as he lead them past a few scattered toys of the girls into to the living room. He apologized for not being quite ready yet. Ben hadn’t quite fallen asleep yet, but was staring at the strangers with a new found curiosity. He was silent though, and no longer screaming his lungs out so Castiel counted it as a win.

“Don’t worry about it,” Anna said with a gentle smile on her lips before sitting down on one of the couches. “It’s fine. Four kids can’t be easy to handle.”

“Tell me about it. It’s nice though.” And it was, it really was. Even though they had only been their parents for a little bit, Cas was too used to it “They kind of force you to go on you know? Even if they aren’t yours. They force you to get up in the morning and not break down. Keep you up too, don’t you little man?” Ben grinned at that, almost as if he had understood what Cas asked him.

“He’s adorable.” Anna smiled at Ben. "Aren't you, little man? This is Ben, right?"

“You were right! Nick's still upstairs, he's taking a nap. This little rascal should be going down for a nap too, but he's too stubborn not to scream his lungs out.” Castiel smiled as Ben reached his arm towards her. “Do you want to hold him?" Anna reached out, carefully took Ben in her arms. "You should see him when he wakes up. He’s all smiles and giggles. Can I get you anything to drink? Dean should be down in a minute, he's putting Nick to bed and getting the girls.”

“How are they all doing?”

“Considering, they’re doing good. We still need regular check-ups, you know? The boys have only been out of the hospital for a week or so. The girls miss their parents.” Castiel knew they did, noticed the silent tears that sometimes streaked Zoey or Claire's eyes when they woke up. Some days, they clung to him so much that he just knew. "I don't think they really realize, they're too young, but they miss them."

Part of Castiel hated that a lot of the people at campus knew about the death of his brother and his wife. It had spread like a wildfire once Dean and he started to walk around with the twins more and Cas was picked up by Dean, Anna had been one of the only ones that never really mentioned it or pushed him. “The girls mostly miss Jimmy and Amelia. But enough of that. Let’s not. Graduation was depressing enough. What do you want now I’ve got my hands free?”

“You got coffee?” Ruby asked, smiling down at Anna. It was almost adorable, how she took in her girlfriend holding Ben. He looked away when Ruby looked up at him, nodded.

“Milk or sugar?”

“No. Just black please.”

“For me too, Cas.”

 

By the time he got back with their drinks, Dean had finished doing Claire's hair and come downstairs with the girls. Zoey had Ruby wrapped around her finger as she showed her her collection of little crochet teddy bears that stood on one of the shelves. Amelia had made most of them for her, Castiel too tipping in and making a few. His weren’t the best and he wasn’t skilled at it, but they had made her smile when she got them and that was all that he needed or wanted to see.

“This is my favorite!” he heard her say as he put the coffees on the coffee table. Ben had fallen asleep by now, pacifier half hanging out of his mouth. Anna didn’t seem to be in the least bit annoyed as being used as a pillow, but still passed him to Cas when he reached out his hands. He was calmer now, chest going up and down steadily. Ben woke up for just a second when the arms he was lying in changed.

“Really?” Curiously, he looked up to see which one she meant. “Why?”

“Daddy Cas made it!” Zoey smiled at him from their little playing corner, hugging the little duckling close to her body. "It rattles!" Ruby seemed amused by it, though Cas didn’t quite know why. “Mommy taught him, he made ducky.”

“You create amigurimi Cas?” Anna laughed. “I wouldn’t have thought you were a granny.”

“It’s something to do during the winters,” he shrugged, “and she loves them, so why not.” Claire had sat down next to him, uncomfortable with the strangers in their house. “Do you want to help me put your brother to bed sweetheart? I’ll be right back guys.”

“Yeah.”

 

Claire opened the nursery door for him, tip toeing in so she wouldn’t wake Nick up. It was weird to Cas how much the little girl had gotten used to being around the babies and how much she loved to help. Even if all she could do was help with the bottle or pass them a clean diaper. Claire was the little mommy of the two, always helping out, always trying to find something to do or a way to play with them while Zoey was more the watchdog. She'd intervene when somebody did harm to them, or come and get either of her new fathers when either of the boys were crying.

“Do you want to kiss your brother goodnight?” he asked her hushed, before crouching down and letting her press a gentle kiss to the top of his head. She smiled as she did so, whispered a sweet goodnight an pressed the pacifier a little sturdier in his mouth. “You’re a good sister, Claire.” The girl beamed at that.

Ben didn’t stir as Cas put him down in the crib and tiptoed out of the room, checking to make sure that Claire had followed her before gently closing the door.

“The people downstairs are friends, Claire bear,” he said before picking her up in his arms. “You don’t need to be afraid. They knew daddy too. Do you remember that woman that gave you the little princess bear? That’s her.” Anna had given them both a teddy bear a few days after the accident. Castiel knew that it was just to get their minds away from the fact that their father wouldn’t be coming back. While Zoey hadn’t quite fallen in love with the little thing, Claire had. She still slept with it every night, kept it as a safety thing. If they were gone for over a few hours, Aurora had to be with her to cuddle with.

“Do you want Aurora?” It took her a little bit, but she nodded, arms clinging tight to his neck. “Let’s go get her then. Anna will be happy that you still have her.”

 

The night passed without a lot more incidents. It was good to be talking to some friends again, even if their conversations were interupted by crying or diaper changes. During and after the exams, he had been too preoccupied to really do a lot of socializing. It hadn’t really been high on his priorities list after sleeping and attempting to hang on for a little bit longer. It was nice to hear what they had been up to, how they’d been doing. Anna and Ruby were engaged now, they told them. Ruby had proposed to her during their road trip and it had been beautiful.

Castiel couldn’t help but smile as Anna showed him the ring. It was beautiful, it really was. The old rose gold with a tiny stone in the middle was modest, not too in your face like some of the other engagement rings that he had seen.

“Congrats you two, really,” he said with a grin on his lips. “The ring is beautiful.” Dean echoed congratulations from the kitchen, where he and Ruby were working on their dinner. Dean had insisted that he could do it, that Ruby didn’t need to help, but she had wanted to.

“She’s a chef,” Anna supplied with a fond smile as she watched the two of them work from her spot on the couch. “She loves cooking, so I’m not surprised.”

“I’m glad for the two of you, you know,” Cas said, picking Zoey up when she ran to him to join them in watching Sleeping Beauty. ““You deserve some happy.” Claire had taken to liking Anna instead of being afraid of her, sat in her lap as they watched Sleeping Beauty and pointed at the screen whenever Aurora appeared.

“Aurora!” she said excitedly, pointing from her bear to the princess. “Aurora.”

“Yeah, that’s Aurora,” Anna said with a grin on her lips. “Is your bear called Aurora too?”

“Yeah!” She ruffled her hair before turning to Castiel again.

“She makes me happy,” she continued, as if Claire hadn’t said anything at all. “We’ve been together for so long by now. I don’t know, it was time. Dean and you seem to be doing good too.” It was only an observation, but Castiel felt the pride in that.

“We’ve had better days, sure, but we’re doing well enough. Having the kids to look out for is stressful, but we’re coping. They’re worth it. Every tear, cry and sleepless night.” Zoey settled closer against him, head resting against his chest. “We weren’t quite ready to get four kids before a secure job you know? But it’s okay. Having them to take care of, it made us closer in away. More domestic.”

“His deployment is getting closer, isn’t it?”

Castiel had talked to Anna about it before, how worried it made him, just how much he didn’t want Dean to leave. He’d talked about their fights concerning his deployment. “He’s leaving in three months and I just don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll manage them all and deal with missing him. Mostly, I'm afraid of how the girls are going to react to him leaving. They saw their papa leave too, I don't know how they'll react to it just being me.” He shook his head. “But please, let’s not talk about it. I’m going to get the boys’ bottles ready, they’re waking up.”

“Do you want help?”

“I just need to put them in the bottle warmers, if you want you can give one of them a bottle? If you want, of course.”

 

Four minutes later, he led Anna to the nursery. Both of the boys were crying by the time they reached the room, hands at their mouths and sucking on their fingers. Once upon a time, Castiel would have been mildly freaked out by it, but he was used to it. He just smiled and shook his head as he lifted Nick out of his crib, walking through the room led by the sole light of the nightlight.

“Hey there big man, you’ll get your bottle in a second, okay?” Castiel passed Nick to Anna, who hesitantly took him. “Don’t worry, he’ll calm down in just a second. You can sit in the rocking chair if you want, it’s right there.”

He opened the curtains a bit before picking Ben up and cradling him against his chest. Nick was sucking at the bottle greedily, Anna easily realizing when to take the bottle from his mouth so he would stop for a minute.

“You’re a hungry little thing, aren’t you?” she sighed, giving him his bottle again when he reached for it.

“He went to bed earlier than Ben. I don’t think he ate quite as much this morning either.” Cas shrugged. “He has a tendency to eat more as his brother anyway ― he was the tiniest of the two when they were born. Dean and I think it’s because of that, but we can’t really be sure.”

“Well, he’s a good little boy, isn’t he?” Anna smiled as she put the now empty bottle down. “Do I need to burp him?”

“Yeah, there’s a cloth next to you. Put it over your shoulder – he might throw up a little bit.” He was a good boy however, and didn’t quite do that. Ben didn’t either, but they still were trapped upstairs for a quick diaper change and outfit change.

 

Ruby and Anna stayed until late that night, eventually almost forced to spend the night. Even though it hadn't really been the plan, Castiel felt too guilty to have them drive back through the dark and they had another room anyway. Castiel couldn't sleep in James and Amelia's room, felt too guilty and saddened to even open the door to the room and be in there for more than a few minutes, but Anna and Ruby could. If they'd stay, there would be more life again.  
They slept in old PJ’s of James and Amelia that he’d never seen either of them wear ― they had no memories attached to them like the Spiderman PJ's that were still in the bottom of one of the drawers. Ruby and Dean went upstairs together a little after eleven pm, Anna soon following after Castiel promised that he too would go to sleep soon. It was an empty promise, he knew. The day had dragged up memories that he'd wanted to push down rather than relive.

Castiel didn't sleep that night, watched the minutes and hours tick by on the digital clock in the kitchen. He'd just sat there, staring while drinking his coffee. He'd go up to calm the boys down, change a diaper or calm Zoey down after a nightmare. He even laid down next to her for a little bit and let her sob against his chest. Castiel could feel his heart breaking when he saw the tears spill over those little cheeks, as he rubbed her back and whispered that it was okay, she was safe now. It was all just a bad dream.

For the rest of the night, he sat downstairs watching movies, clicking through the channels to find a non-porn, non cheesy movie that was on after 11 pm and eventually failing. He switched to Netflix, starting yet another rewatch of the first season of Sense8. He needed to watch at least something to stop himself from zoning out, from staring at something for so long that he disassociated. Each time that happened, he felt bad for days or until somebody could snap him out of it. If he could prevent that from happening by rewatching a series that had found a way into his heart, why not.

“Hey,” a sleepy voice came from the doorway around six am. He'd switched from Sense8 to Mulan when Claire had woken up about an hour earlier, Sense8 and especially the episode that he was watching not quite meant for the eyes of an innocent child. Castiel still didn't know how she had known that he was downstairs or how she'd gotten past the child gates at the stairs, but there she was with her blanket in hands and tears in her eyes.

“Hey,” he whispered back, careful not to wake a sleeping Claire up. She'd only fallen asleep a half an hour ago an he didn't want to wake her up again. “It’s early, what are you doing up already?”

“Couldn’t sleep anymore,” Ruby shrugged, “can I join you for a minute?”

“Yeah, of course, sit down. Just keep your voice down, I just got her back to sleep.” Asleep on his chest, sure, but she was asleep and that was the most important part of it.

“Thanks. What are you still doing up? Except for taking care of the babies?” Castiel had to suppress a sigh. The true answer would take a lot longer than ‘just couldn’t sleep’ and he quite frankly didn’t quite have the energy for it.

“Couldn’t fall sleep, so I decided to stay downstairs with the baby monitors. That way Dean could get some sleep." And that had been part of the reason, it wasn't like he was lying to her. Castiel may not have slept a lot in the past few weeks but Dean hadn't either. He'd woken up early on top of doing extra repairs with his father and Bobby when he could. He deserved to sleep in, even if it was just a little bit. "They didn’t wake you, did they?”

“Oh no, don’t worry,” Ruby said, before sitting down next to him. “We didn’t hear them at all. Maybe Zoey when she started crying, but that was it.”

“Okay, good.” And it was a relief. “What are you doing up already? Isn’t it a little bit early?”

“I’m used to it. After a while, it gets a habit you know? I work the morning shifts at a diner in our street, starts at six am so I did, sort of, sleep in. If you want to call it that, I guess.”

“Must suck,” he sighed. “I thought getting up at half past six was early.”

“You’re a high school teacher, right?”

“Yeah, or at least I’m going to be soon. I’m starting in August.”

“Good luck in that case!”

“Thanks.”

 

They sat in mostly silence for a while, just watching as the news of the previous day repeated and afterwards, the weather. Even though both of them were grown adults, they still finished Mulan first. Ruby took Claire in her arms so that Cas could go ahead and get some coffee before Dean woke up. He could at least pretend that he had slept a little bit if he had some coffee in him. At the same time, he could make Ruby some breakfast with whatever they still had in the house. It wasn’t a lot, he had to admit that, but they had enough for some basic pancakes with blueberry, the kind that the kids loved.

Castiel was in no way a chef. He could make some basic stuff, sure, but it wasn’t the best. Dean was a lot better at cooking than he was and Ruby too, as she had proven the previous day. One day, when they had enough money to actually pay a baby sitter and go out, they would have to go to the restaurant she worked at and try her food.

 

By the time that he was done cooking, it was eight am and the rest of the house woke up. Anna had come downstairs around half past seven, eyes barely open and clearly sleepy. She headed towards her fiancée and her cup of coffee first thing, stealing the warmth before noticing Castiel in the kitchen and smiling at him. It was a little bit after that that Claire and Zoey both woke up, Dean coming down with the boys on his arms by the time he flipped the last pancake on the stack.

Leaving the boys in their pack-‘n-plays and the twins in their high chairs, they all ate breakfast. Castiel spend more time making sure that Zoey and Claire kept to their own plates instead of stealing each other’s food.

 

Anna and Ruby left again around noon, getting a hug from both Zoey and Claire before they left. Castiel couldn’t help but smile as the girl’s waved when their car left. Dean had them on his hips.

“That was nice,” Dean said, falling down on the couch. The girls were off to their room to play and both Ben and Nick were out like a light in their rockers. “Ruby seems to be really good for her. I didn’t know Anna really, but she’s a nice girl.”

“Yeah, I think so too.” Castiel curled up next to Dean, head resting on his shoulder. “Anna told me the two of us seemed to be really happy too.” He got a light shove from Dean at that. “I’m glad they’re getting married.”

“That does mean we’ll have a wedding to attend to.”

“Do you think you’ll be here for that?” Castiel hoped that he would be. Weddings weren’t fun when you attended them alone. “I mean, they don’t have a date yet and we can’t really organize it, but still, do you think they’ll let you?”

“I don’t know. I hope so at least, but we’ll see. Maybe they’ll stay engaged for years, like some other couples do. I should only be gone for eight months. They might want me back afterwards, but it should be eight months, a little more maybe. Think they’ll stay engaged that long?”

“Yeah, I hope so at least.”

“Did you sleep?”

“It’s that clear huh?” Dean just sighed at that. “Not really, no, but don’t worry about me okay? I’m fine. The twins just kept waking up and I didn’t want them to wake Anna and Ruby up.” It was the truth, partially. 

“okay.” Dean didn’t quite believe him, but that was okay. "Just, go to sleep early tonight, okay? Or take a nap with the girls later. With all that playing, I think they'll go down with the boys."

"I will," he promised, snuggling just that little bit closer. "I will."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, you can find me on [Tumblr](http://achillecas.tumblr.com) and all inspiration for this fic can be found [here](http://haelfell.tumblr.com). This chapter can also be found over at [LJ](http://youaregonecas.livejournal.com/10827.html) and [Tumblr](http://buriedsam.tumblr.com/post/128635237491/title-hold-me-close-chapter-four-wordcount%22)


	5. chapter five; Birthday Girls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! Thank you all for being so patient with me while I practically disappear. Some fluff in this chapter, since Dean is leaving pretty soon and the boys deserve some happiness. ♥ Hope you enjoy!

_ _

 

_Take my hand,_

_hold me close,_

_and fear not if I depart this world alone;_

_I will not enter the beyond without you by my side._

_My love, I will wait at the gates for you._

**we will be together soon - c.k**

 

 

Dean watched Castiel sleep for a while, curled up against him with that gentle smile on his lips that only graced his lips when he slept. Sometimes he wondered what Castiel had done to deserve this twisted past. Even though Castiel didn’t quite mention it to him, Dean knew that he was struggling, that the kids were just keeping him afloat. Maybe, just having Dean there as well or having  _any_ distraction could be keeping him afloat, he honestly didn't know.

It was okay. Everybody struggled at some points in their life. He didn’t know what he’d do if he’d come home one day to find a call telling him that Jessica and Sam had crashed the car they were driving and passed away. Dean knew that it must have felt like his heart was torn from his chest, had been there to see it happen. Dean had been lying next to him and saw how he crumbled under the skin. He’d seen Claire and Zoey look at him with fear in their little eyes, had seen the way they clung to Castiel’s chest the night of the funeral. Even if they didn’t really get the fact that their parents had passed away, they  _hurt_. It was blatant hurt and fear and it stung.

Some mornings, he saw _that_ Castiel, the one that mindlessly focused on the funeral and studied for his exams while drinking too much coffee. He saw that version of his boyfriend in the way that he stared at the television screen at 2 am, refusing to go to bed because of the nightmares. He saw that version of Castiel in the way that the bags under his eyes seemed to grow darker and more profound every day.

His fingers turned gentle circles at the base of Cas’s skull, just looking at him and the relaxed look in his face. He would miss this when he was overseas, he would miss the quiet mornings when the kids were taking a nap and the house was silent. When they only had each other to look out for. Even if they were like this, when they didn't do anything. Maybe they were the best ones out there, when was Castiel sleeping tucked away against his chest and he finished his coffee, the news playing muted in the background. This was good and nice, it felt comfortable. He wouldn’t exchange it for anything.

 

 

 

 

The next few weeks passed by quietly as May drifted into June and eventually July. Some days, Castiel couldn’t believe how quickly the boys were growing up, how fast they were learning. It seemed like they were discovering more and more of the world they were living in each day. Just a week or two ago, they’d smiled at each other for the first time and recognized the other. It had gone better and better after that. Some days, he’d go in their nursery and they’d be babbling like crazy, doing nothing but making meaningless sounds. It was sweet.

He could so easily imagine them when they were just born, tiny enough to have their chests lift clearly with each breath. They’d looked so small in their incubators, too many wires attached to too little bodies and hearts working too hard to pump blood through their bodies. Now, they were a month old adjusted, they were almost thriving. The doctors were happy with their progress, happy that they were hitting all the milestones that they were supposed to hit.

Nick was a little bit behind Ben, but both of them were doing well considering. Sometimes, when they went out to the park to eat with the girls and the boys were sitting in their laps, it was hard to think that they’d been like that. It was hard to think that they had been so dependent on machines just to keep their heart beating, their bodies fed and their lungs expanding. If you looked at them now, they were doing so well. Both Dean and Cas knew that one day they could go back to a situation where either of them would need extra help. Especially for Nick the risk was there was a risk of heart problems as he grew.

They both tried to keep the thoughts away, but sometimes as they were preparing for a cardiac appointment or just a check-up on their general health, he couldn’t help it. Seeing them thrive however, settled that little bit of anxiety quite a lot.

 

Dean loved seeing how his boyfriend too was getting more and more stable. Castiel still had rough days, but they were getting farther apart, he slept more and had less nightmares. The year would soon start for him and in between moments of caring for the kids, he was prepping classes on his computer and getting things sorted with his school.

Being a teacher meant helping cleaning up the classes and cleaning the desks from all the chewing gum stuck under them. The days of hauling around desks and getting everything in order exhausted him more than Dean perhaps liked to see, but it was okay. On a few occasions, he’d come home to find the girls watching a movie and Cas asleep with the boys on his chest. It was a sweet sight to come back home to after a long day of working, even if that meant that he’d have to ship every one off to bed gently while tip toeing around, including his boyfriend. Sometimes, Castiel would wake up long enough for them to have a quick dinner together before falling half asleep on the couch while watching some TV.

It was nice, it really was.

 

  
 

 

The girls were having their second birthday soon and if Dean told the truth, he was proud of how they had changed in the past few months. Both of them were opening up more to them each day and missed their parents less and less. Castiel hated seeing how they started to see them as their parents, but Dean secretly liked it when they slipped up and called Dean Daddy Dean instead of Uncle Dean.

“We should wake them up soon,” Castiel whispered from next to him in the bed, still curled up against him. Dean was absently playing with the strands of his hair at the base of his neck. Sundays were their lazy days, had always been that. Before the kids, they'd often stayed in their boxers and watched television in bed, sometimes sleeping the entire day away. With the kids coming into play, things had changed up a little. They couldn't just stay in bed anymore. Sundays still were their lazy days, even if today was a little bit more special. The girls celebrated their birthday. “So that they’re awake before your father and Bobby get here.” 

Dean only hummed in acknowledgement, too comfortable to leave his spot on the bed. It was blissfully quiet with Nick and Ben fast asleep in their cribs. They’d had a rocky night, with a lot of waking up and a lot of crying. Dean had been ready to just plop them in their bed and let them sleep on their chests, but around four they’d finally fallen asleep in their own cribs for a change. “When are they getting here again?”

“They should be here around nine. In… “ He felt Cas shift away from him. “A half an hour?”

“Wait, this doesn’t happen.” Dean was sitting up in bed at the realization. “We don’t get to sleep in. Not even on Sundays.” _Especially not on Sundays_. Sundays were the days after birthday parties upon which kids were still riled up from all the sugar they’d eaten and the day after Cas planned his lessons and Dean got up to take care of the kids so that he wouldn't be interupted. “When did this happen.”

“Shh, they’ll hear.” Castiel was actually laughing under his breath. "The boys will wake up, don't jinx it."

“Come on, let’s go wake up the birthday girls.”

 

Zoey just _stared_ at him with a grumpy expression on her face, brown hair all over the place. Claire had been awake when they’d come in, playing with her teddy bear patiently and silently. Dean thought that if they’d waited a little bit longer, they’d probably have a girl in their bed with them, just sitting there with her teddy bear until they went downstairs.

“Hey there Zoeybear,” Dean whispered as he picked her up in his arms, “did we wake you too soon? You still sleepy huh?” She just nodded as she buried her head against his shoulder. “Come on, let’s go downstairs for some milk. Do you want chocolate milk?” They didn’t usually stock it, but on their birthday they figured that they could spoil them just a little bit.

“Brother? Brother okay?”

“Nick and Ben are still sleeping. Did they wake you with their crying?” She nodded, murmuring a quiet _yeah_ against his collarbone. “They’re okay, they were just wanting to be held a little bit. Like you do sometimes when you don’t really feel good. Sometimes you just want to be held.” He hugged her a little closer. “Like this.” She smiled sleepily. “Do you know what day it is today?”

“Su-day?” The confusion in her eyes as Dean carried her downstairs.

“Yeah, it’s Sunday. But it’s a special Sunday today, think about it. How old were you yesterday?” She pointed one finger up in the air. “You know what you can do today?” He took a second finger and unfolded it. “It’s your and Claire’s birthday!” She was utterly unimpressed until she got her cup of chocolate milk and waddled over to the couch, where Claire was sitting with her soya milk. Dean didn’t know why she preferred it over normal milk, but both she and Castiel were in love with it, so they always had it in the fridge.

“You’d think that they’re more interested in drinking their milk than their birthday,” Castiel said, looking back at the couch. “I’m curious to see what they’ll say about their strollers.” They’d gotten them both a stroller to run around with their dolls after seeing them clumsily trying to push their actual stroller around. It was too tall for them and even if they stood on their tip toes, it really didn’t work out.

“They’ll love them,” Dean promised. Getting them both a stroller and a doll set with twin dolls had been a little bit of a splurge, but they deserved it. The twins had been through a lot and it was their first birthday that Dean and Cas _could_ go a little bit further on without seeming to be those crazy uncles. “Just let them wake up first.”

“Yeah. I’ll put them in their room and get dressed,” Castiel said, cup of coffee still held tightly in his hands. “Before John and Bobby get here.”

 

 

The twins _loved_ the strollers. Dean had went up with a girl on each arm once they were awake enough to get dressed without falling back asleep on the changing table and they’d just grinned when they saw the strollers there. Zoey had been a little bit more hesitant, staying close to him and looking up with a confused look in her eyes.

“Go!” He’d said smiling, “it’s yours.” Dean probably should have waited a little bit longer before introducing them to their toys ― at least until he’d gotten them dressed ― but they were happy, so he didn’t really mind it all that much. John and Bobby could see them in their jammies. It was a Sunday after all.

“Hey, Dean?” Castiel stood in the door of the nursery, smiling down at Ben or Nick – Dean couldn’t see which of them it was. “Look at this for a minute.” Ben was leaning against Castiel’s chest clutching his teddy bear close to him. He didn’t realize what it was that he was supposed to notice, until Ben pushed off and grinned at Dean, reaching out so that Dean would take him.

“Did he just?”

“Yes Dean. He’s doing it too.” There was a proud smile on Cas’s lips. “Nick finally noticed his teddy bear.” Ben had started grabbing and wanting to have his little buddy with him a week or so ago, but Nick hadn’t quite taken a liking to them the way that his brother did. Now Nick was doing it too.

“Our baby boy is growing up,” Castiel said, grinning. “Aren’t you huh? Do you want to go to Dean little guy?” Ben stretched out again and Dean took him in his arms again. “Nick’s still asleep, but I don’t think that’ll last a lot longer. He was already fussing.”

“I’m glad they slept in the first place,” Dean admitted. “I think the girls aren’t going to want to get dressed soon. Maybe we should have let them get dressed before letting them play.” They were chattering amongst themselves excitedly, each a doll in their hands.

“It’s Sunday, we won’t be going out anyway. Let them run around a little - Bobby and John will be a littler later, somebody came in with a broken down car or something. They’re doing some crisis management, but they’ll be picking Jess and Sam up on their way.”

“Sam and Jess?”

“Yeah. The year’s over and they both finished their exams for now and are waiting on their results, so they decided that they’d make the trip here.”

“Oh, he didn’t call.” Dean was more preoccupied with keeping Ben safe from Zoey, who had sat down on his knee to investigate his pacifier. The floodgates would open if she’d steal it. “No Zoeybear, that’s Ben’s. He can’t have your doll’s. Did he say where they were staying?”

“I have no clue, but they should get here in an hour or so. Claire, sweetheart, do you want to help me with Nick and pick his shirt?”

“Yes papa Cas!” She was off with Cas within seconds. Zoey just stared at her sister before shrugging and pressing a tiny kiss to the little boy’s cheek and turning back to her stroller.

“How about you wear your summer dress Zoey? The bear one?” She nodded, before holding up a dress for her new doll. “Do you want me to get her dressed too? Sure thing kiddo.”

 

An hour later, everybody was dressed and they were just waiting for the others to get there. Dean had started on making pancakes for everybody, knowing that they would probably be starving by the time that they arrived. It was no secret that Dean was a good chef. Cas almost felt blessed that he had Dean in his life to help him out and just be with him.

It was moments like these that he appreciated Dean even more, the moments that he sometimes seemed to fall in love with him all over again. He was patient as Zoey sat with him and insisted on helping him scoop the batter into the pan. Her mouth was all covered in chocolate that they’d put in them, something that he was sure Dean hadn’t planned on giving to her but she had stolen regardless.

“Where’s your da- Cas huh?” he asked her smiling, “Is he looking at us funny? Yeah?” Castiel looked up at that and shook his head. “You were dreaming babe.”

“Yeah, I know. I was just thinking.” He stepped behind Dean and snaked his hands around his waist.

“Don’t hurt your head, we wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself,” Dean teased, before flipping the last of the pancakes and rinsing the pan.

“Well I was thinking how lucky I am to have you, but I think I may have to change my opinion,” he quipped,  ruffling Zoey’s hair when she smiled at him and reached her arms up. “And Dean?” He waited until he looked at him before finishing his sentence. “You can say daddy or papa, I don’t…mind as much anymore. They’re saying it anyway.” He’d hated that they’d started calling them their fathers, but he realized now that they would eventually. They would regardless of Castiel’s not wanting them to. They still knew that Jimmy was their real father, that he and their mommy was gone. “How about we go play with your siblings huh? While waiting for grandpa John and Bobby to arrive so we can eat.”

 

John and Bobby arrived a few minutes later, a tired but contented looking Sam and Jess in tow. They were hungry and just a little bit grumpy, but the second that Dean told them there were pancakes waiting for everybody, they perked up like nothing had ever happened. The girls were still slightly terrified of Sam and Dean could help but smile as they hid behind Cas’s legs until Sam crouched down to get to their level.

“It’s okay Zoey,” Castiel whispered  as she hugged him a little tighter. “Uncle Sam won’t hurt a fly.” The girl looked doubting until Claire waggled towards him and stretched her arms up, demanding to be lifted in the air. She squealed as Sam put her up on his shoulder and grinned.

“Look at you, you’re taller than Dean now. Do you want to fly, like superman?”

“Superwoman,” Claire protested, but laughed as Sam lifted her up in the air and flew her around. Jessica was looking at Sam too, with that fondness in her eyes that told Castiel that they were good for each other, that they’d survive.

“Well, superwoman, how about we go eat some pancakes?” Claire nodded excitedly before climbing on Cas’s lap, proclaiming that she was too big for a high chair now. Cas just laughed as he cut his pancake up in bits for her to eat.

“Superwoman is a bit too big for high chairs huh? But not for papa Cas’s lap?”

“No papa!” she almost squealed. “Never too big!” They ate in almost silence after that, Ben and Nick’s slight cooes and whimpering the only sound except for the scraping of knifes against the plates. Sam hummed around his first bite of food, told Dean that he really had to learn him how to make those. Dean’s grin as he promised Jessica that he’d teach Sam how to make them so he could make them for her made Castiel almost melt.

 

Their guests were playing with the girls as Castiel quickly cleaned the dishes and pulled his coat on. He’d told Dean that he needed to be alone for a little bit and that was the truth. The thing about the twins’s birthday was that it reminded him that it was the first one for which Jimmy and Amelia wouldn’t be there and it hurt just a little bit more.

Zoey had asked him, all big eyes if he was okay and he’d reassured her with a shaking voice. He’d told her that he would just go pay a visit to her father. It had taken her a second, but she’d wrapped her arms around his body and hugged him.

“All okay. It all okay,” she promised him with a soft voice. “Come?”

“Do you want to come? Alright.”

 

Dean didn’t have a problem with him taking Ben and Zoey on the road with him. Zoey insisted on taking her stroller and baby doll with them and it struck him then just how much she was - they both were - mirroring him and Dean. Dean and he were always walking around with the strollers too.

“Papa & mama,” she whispered as Cas stopped in front of the grave, the smooth and polished stone.  There was a sadness in her eyes, tears pricking in them, but she didn’t say anything else.

“Yeah, that’s mommy and daddy,” he pulled her a little closer to him, hugged her tiny body. “They’re not here to celebrate in person, but they are here.”

“Right here,” she said, pressing her hand to her heart, “and here.” A tiny finger reached out to the medallion hanging around his neck. Castiel unhooked it from his neck and opened it up so she could see them smiling at her.

“That’s you, baby Zoey.” He pointed at the picture of a newborn Zoey cradled in Jimmy’s arms. “Here. Now mommy and daddy will always be here.” He hung the medallion around her neck, doubling it around so it wouldn’t hang to her knees.

“Will you stay papa Cas?” There were tears in her eyes as she asked him. “And daddy Dean?” It was the clearest that he’d heard her speak so far.

“Daddy Dean is going to be away for a little bit,” he warned her, “but he’s going to come back. And you’re going to see him. On the computer, like you sometimes talk to uncle Sam. I will stay here, okay? Papa Cas isn’t going anywhere.” He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. “How about we’ll pray for daddy and mommy?” Castiel himself wasn’t particularly religious, but Jimmy had been. Jimmy had raised his daughters with a prayer before nighttime and weekly church visits. It was something that they’d partially dropped, only praying when the twins seemed to want to - something that was happening more often now - and not going to church. It wasn’t practical with their busy schedules to plan Sundays out, especially not with two babies in tow. Not that either Ben of Nick made a big fuss, they really didn’t want to risk it.

Castiel lead in prayer, prayed for Jimmy and Amelia’s wellbeing and also for that of the girls, for the boys. Zoey insisted on praying for him and Dean too, so they did until Zoey had a smile on her lips again. “Home?”

“Yeah, come on. We’ll go back to the others.”

 

 


	6. PART TWO: Chapter six; Goodbye Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie Bradbury decides that if Castiel wants Dean to see his girls and boys grow while away, he'll need to suck it up and create a Facebook account and Dean leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Note:** Pairings for this fic changed. Jo Harvelle/Charlie bradbury has been added!

_ _

 

_picture this:_

_scribbles on paper that finally make sense_

_a leather-bound journal_

_filled with words worth saying._

_neat handwriting._

_picture this:_

_my ethics teacher_

_with his passionate words,_

_his kind eyes,_

_his shaking hands,_

_his dead son,_

_telling me that in the end_

_God is still good._

_picture this:_

_me,_

_wanting to believe him,_

_wanting to stop his hurting._

_not knowing how._

_picture this:_

_me, driving down a highway_

_stars in front of me_

_everything else behind._

_I finally know what to do with myself._

_not thinking of you for once in my life._

_picture this:_

_you_

_coming home_

_and telling me_

_not a day has passed since you left_

_that you did not think of me._

**—    GIVE ME A NEW STORY (THIS ONE HURTS TOO MUCH) // d.s.**

 

** **

 

It felt almost strange how quickly time passed when things were starting to feel like they were finally going in their advantage, when they were right. Castiel started teaching and it went better than he had ever expected his first few weeks to go. On some days, it felt like the students were only there to frustrate him and he was stressed by the time he came home. Some days and some of the classes he taught, he had students that he'd rather strangle than have in his classroom to get everybody in the room to stop paying attention, but in general, things were going well.

He got a surprise on the first day of him teaching there, when he bumped into a familiar face. A friend of Dean's was teaching photography and history and well, they kind of hit it off as friends. Charlie and he had bonding moments in the teacher's lounge before class, when they talked students and workloads. Most of the time, they were just chatting about things that didn't matter or were asking each other for advice on how to handle some of the things that were happening in the classrooms, but it was nice. It really was.

Another thing about having Charlie there was that he finally had somebody there to talk about Dean's deployment who would know what he was talking about. Her girlfriend, Jo Harvelle, was heading out together with Dean and Charlie would be left on her own just as much as Cas would be. Sure, she didn't have four kids on her hands to take care of all on her own, but she'd be left too, it helped them bond a little bit. At least for Charlie, it hadn't been Jo's first time being send out. She was more used to having to say goodbye to her partner for a while.

"It was weird the first few weeks, at least for me. I guess it'll be for you too," Charlie offered on one of their drives back to her house, "you'll get used to it though, trust me. You’ve got the kids to busy yourself with, so they’ll be able to keep you a little bit of company. Provide some snuggles.” They had taken to carpooling because of the fact that they lived such a short distance from each other. Castiel would pick up the girls - who had started going to a nanny so that they'd be more used to it by the time Dean left - on the way from her place to Dean's and his. It saved them both some time and gas. “Just, don’t worry too much if sometimes, they won’t get to skype. I know they’ll be in an area where they’ll have internet connection and can use it but sometimes appointments made to be on skype just won’t work out. Trust me, I’ve freaked out over Jo not being able to get online for a week turns out that they had just moved place for a week or so. Or that time that she didn't come online just because there was another soldier that had a rough day and used her time to get some extra time in with the family. It happens.”

“I’ll try to remember,” he muttered, not wanting to admit that it in fact made him worry just that little bit more.

“You know,” she said with a grin, “Dean and you are a hot topic of conversation in the teachers lounge whenever you’re not there.” It almost made Cas slam the breaks.

“Please tell me you are kidding.” He had wanted to stay clear of all the gossip as long as he could, even though he knew that one day it would start. Dean and Cas's situation was a unique one and not every practically fresh out of the laundry teacher arrived in a mini van with four car seats installed. He should have known that answering his students when they asked how many children he had - they’d seen him arrive in the family car with just the seats for the girls in place - had been the wrong thing to do. They’d asked if they could see a picture and foolishly, he'd said that he'd show some if they got done with the chapter that class.

Everybody had been paying attention for a change and sure enough, they had had ten minutes left, so he really had no option but to show them some of the pictures that he had saved to his laptop. He'd only shown them a few and the safer ones, but Dean was on quite a lot of them regardless. Explaining that on top of raising two kids, he was bisexual and currently in a relationship with a man had  _not_ been high on his  _things I want to do today_ list. They'd been okay with it and hadn't really reacted badly at all, so it was okay, but still. It hadn't been what he had planned.

“Nope!” she was almost grinning at his reaction. “Oh calm your horses Cas, nothing bad. You know students don’t keep their mouths shut for longer than one class. Every body knew about Dean and you and the four kids before the end of the day. Apparently the kids are adorable as well." She shook her head. "Most of the teachers are in awe of how the hell the two of you manage four kids when you’re both under the ages of twenty-four while they can't even manage two. Kids too, might I add. They're too close to your age not to imagine _them_ dealing with two sets of twins.”

“I shouldn’t have,” he groaned, thinking back not so fondly at just how long the questions had continued after the pictures. “I really shouldn’t have shown them. Christ.”

“They’re not even on your Facebook!” Charlie said, “yet you show the kids. It’s not fair Cas. We want to see adorable baby pictures too.”

“I don’t even have Facebook,” he deadpanned. “Of course they’re not.”

“We’re getting you one, don’t worry. Give Dean something to be able to look at while he’s away. He’ll be able to see them grow when he’s out. A lot of the other soldiers do it as well if I can believe Jo.” Charlie chuckled. “All she has is pictures of our kittens, but still.”

 

They set up an account for him during an hour they were supposed to be grading papers or at least keeping themselves busy. Castiel actually _had_ papers to grade since he'd done a test the previous class. Yet, instead they were bowed over his laptop setting up his profile. It was more Charlie guiding him through all the steps and filling stuff out for him while he told her what to fill in. Most of it was straight forward - very much _unlike_ his sexual orientation - like his name, occupation, sexual orientation things like that. His profile picture was a bit of a fight - _no Charlie I am not using a picture of Claire sleeping on my chest as my profile picture, that private what did you think I'd answer_ \- but they’d come to an agreement eventually, finding a picture of him with Ben in his arms and a huge grin on his lips to put as a profile picture. There were too many good ones to pick out of, so many of them when he knew that he’d been feeling like crap but he was still smiling because of the kids.

The rest of the hour had been spend adding friends from university, Dean, Charlie herself, other coworkers and her cooing over all the pictures that he had on his computer. She was clicking through enthousiastically, smirking at him when she passed one of Dean asleep with one of the kids on his chest.

"You two are ripped guys, you should be _proud_ of that and use it as a cover photo," Charlie grinned. "Like, you're okay with a picture like that -" She guestured at the screen. "being taken by a photographer, but not in putting it online!" It was a classic picture that neither of them really had been one hundred percent comfortable with. They were looking up at the camera with Ben and Nick on their chests and Claire and Zoey tucked against them. Why the photographer had decided that they'd better be half naked for it, they had no idea.

"It's a  _private_ photo Charlie," he just said, guiding her to the next. The reason he really wasn't comfortable with it being online was the fact that there were too many of his scars visible. Even if Charlie didn't seem to notice them or think they were a big deal, he  _did_. She just shrugged before clicking on. She kept clicking until she passed a picture of Jimmy and him with the girls as newborns. She glanced at him, question in her eyes.

“My brother, James but everybody called him Jimmy. He’s the kids’ father. Amelia, his wife,” he said, pointing at where Amelia and Dean were talking in the background, “passed away a few months ago, when the boys were still in the hospital and about to come home.” He shook his head before dragging the picture over to the internet browser and setting it as a cover photo. “It’s not Photoshop.”

“I didn’t know,” she said, frowning. “I just thought that you’d adopted - Jo and Dean never really talked about it.”

“No, he doesn’t. I think that sometimes, he’s a little afraid that telling people will hurt me in a way. I’m sure Jo knows. It’s okay though.” He glanced over at the clock. “Come on, class is about to start again."

 

Dean had a good laugh about it when he came back that day, but admitted that it was a good idea to keep him in the loop of what was happening back at home. Castiel even told him that if he wanted, it was okay if he would put at least something of the kids online. Even if they’d been their legal guardians for a few months now, Dean still didn’t quite post more than the occupational picture. Dean had just nodded and smiled, before promptly changing his picture to a photo of all six of them. It was a month or so old, but sweet. It was one of Dean's favorites, Castiel knew that.

They’d lounged on the couch and just watched people that Dean knew like the photo and leave comments, watch as requests of Dean’s family members came drizzle in. It was fun, they’d decided. First, it was watching a request from Sam arrive and later Jessica. Castiel didn't know how they did it, but even family members that he’d completely forgotten about somehow found his account.

“Why did you even create an account? I thought you didn’t like it,” Dean asked, attempting to calm down a whimpering Claire. Neither of them really knew what the problem was, but she’d woken up crying and hadn’t said another word. They could hardly let her cry, so onto daddy duties it was. Even if Dean pretended to be annoyed by it, Castiel just knew that he felt honored by Claire standing where  _he_ was sitting and stretching her arms out towards him instead of to Cas. “It’s okay Claire bear, calm down, you’re safe.”

“Charlie said that it would be a good idea,” he sighed, “you’ll be able to see the kids grow a little bit if I do have an account and I don’t know.” It wasn’t just that, but mainly. He’d wanted to as well, to be able to look at all the goofy pictures that he knew Dean had hidden away at the bottom of his time line or the ones in which he was tagged. Sam had quite a few childhood pictures of them online. It could be an easy reminder for him.

“All for me huh?” Dean asked with a grin, having finally calmed down the crying girl. “What’s wrong?”

“Nightmare,” she whispered, barely loud enough for Castiel to hear. “You went away. Both of you.”

“Give her to me,” Castiel sighed and took her in his arms. “Claire, sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m staying right here. And daddy Dean is going to be gone for a while, but he’ll be back.”

“Pinkie promise?”

“Pinkie promise.”

 

** **

 

The air in the airport almost felt like it was suffocating Castiel. Tears had been stinging in his eyes since that morning, but ever since they'd stepped in the airport, things had felt more real. He wanted to be strong, he really did, but he doubted he could. They weren't even supposed to be there yet, Dean was only boarding in a half an hour and then leaving a half an hour later. For a change, they had actually been running early.

Dean had said goodbye to the boys early that morning, before the baby sitter arrived at the house. He'd sat in the rocking chair in their nursery and held them tightly, snuggled them both on his chest. Castiel could hear him promise them that he would be back, that things would be okay. He promised and sang to them, both Nick and Ben going right back to sleep on his chest. It had made him smile, that tiny grin that spoke of affection. He loved seeing it there, especially on a day like that.

Castiel had just watched and felt his heart break. Similar to how he’d felt when he’d seen John and Dean say goodbye just the day before. It was business like and cold, but it was the Winchester way to handle things they knew they couldn't handle. John had made him promise to come back in one piece, to come back safe and don't risk his life like the idiot he was. In an unexpected turn, John hugged him tight even if it was just a few moments. Bobby had clapped his back and told him to come back in one piece, repeating what John had said just a moment earlier.

Sam had been similar. Even if it was over Skype, Castiel could see the worry and sorrow in his eyes. He recognized it in his own eyes as he looked in the mirror. Sam went all out, making him promise to maybe stay  in touch and to come back whole and safe, made him promise to just come the fuck back when he could get out of it.

Castiel had left the room after that, giving them the privacy they needed. He’d sat there in the rocking chair with Ben against his shoulder and felt the tears prick in his eyes. He’d pushed them back, ignored them easily but knew that his students had noticed it when he’d gone to teach that afternoon. They were kind enough not to mention it to him, but he too heard the soft gossip going around the school and even the teacher’s lounge.

 

Claire and Zoey had seemed to sense the change in the air that morning. Even though they liked their sleeping in on Sundays, they were up when Dean and Castiel got up, had been behaving off center and just plain wrong ever since. Normally they would have objected to being dragged out at eight am, would have completely refused to get dressed and kicked and yelled. However, they zere already up, didn't object to anything but the fact that they'd forgotten their teddy bears and hadn't fallen back to sleep in the car, as they usually did. They'd been up since four and hadn't fallen back to sleep, had been silent on the way to the airport.

They were clinging to Dean as if he was their lifeline and it  _hurt_ to see the girls look so scared and terrified. Castiel hated that he knew that look, it wasn't a look that a child could have. He understood however. Neither of them had seen Dean in full military get up yet and even to Castiel, it still felt foreign and weird.  They were partially scared because of it, but also clung to their daddy Dean. Zoey had given up on fighting for a better grip on Dean and had switched to him, was clinging to him like a little monkey.

Dean's section chief had arrived together with a few of the other members of his company a few minutes before. Dean had distantly greeted them and they’d come by to say hello. The ones that had come so far hadn’t seemed to be too bothered by Castiel being Dean’s partner, but he wasn't sure how long that would last. Castiel didn’t know what he had expected if he was honest, times had changed a lot.

“Hey babe?” Dean asked, glancing over at the other guys that were gathering together. “I think they’re getting ready. Take her?” Claire lifted her head tiredly, just looking as Castiel took her on his other arm. “Thanks.” He just nodded as Claire buried herself against him, head against his collarbone.

“You need to go, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Dean looked awkward standing there, arms empty. “Bag drop of first, quick briefing and then we’re boarding.”

“I’m going to miss you.” Dean could barely have heard it but still nodded and pulled him closer. He hugged all three of them, careful not the squish the girls between them.

“I’m going to miss you too, but we can talk and maybe Skype, I don’t know. We’ll see what we can do.” He pressed a kiss to the top of the twins’ heads and a gentle kiss to Cas’s temple. “Take this.” He took a necklace from one of his pockets. “Sam had it made somewhere in Stanford. It’s not an offer, it’s not engagement. We both know that no one in our little family of six is ready for a marriage but.” He fell silent, took in the way that Castiel bit his lip. “It’s a promise. I’ll come back and I’ll put that ring on your finger. That I'll make it worth your while.”

“I love you Dean.” Dean didn’t answer, just nod as they called him over.

“Take care of our babies okay?” He crouched down a little so he could look both of them in the eye, ruffled their hair and pressed another kiss to the tops of their heads. “You take care of your papa, okay?” Claire and Zoey just nodded, tears brimming in their eyes.

“Of course. You take care of yourself, okay? Don’t be the hero Dean, _please_.”

“I’ll try.” With those words, Dean slung his sack over his shoulder and joined the rest of his company. Castiel watched, with the girls on his arms until their bags were deposited and the soldiers boarded their plane. Dean waved at them one final time, before he disappeared out of sight.

“Daddy,” Claire whispered, pointing in an almost panic at the plane. “Daddy. Daddy come back.” Now  _he_ had tears in his eyes too. She looked so broken, so sad standing there.

“Daddy’s going to come back,” he promised her softly, “he’s going to come back.” Castiel felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, a tiny squeeze. He turned his head around to look at the all too familiar redhead. He’d almost forgotten that Charlie’s girlfriend was in Dean’s company.

“Hey,” she said gently, riffling Zoey’s hair. She was clearly upset as well, but more used to it. Jo had been off before, had been overseas for a while before. “How are you holding up?”

“Okay, it’s a little weird, how about you?”

“It’ll hit me in a week or two,” she almost shrugged. “Want me to take one?”

“I don’t know if they’ll want to,” he admitted, but let her take Zoey in her arms. Zoey looked up at her with big eyes, eyes never leaving Castiel. “They already miss him.” Castiel honestly didn’t know how they would handle not seeing them for a long period of time. He wouldn’t be gone a few days, he’d be gone a few months. Hell, he didn’t know how he would handle it. “It was early this morning, so I don’t know if it’s just Dean leaving or if they are tired.” Charlie just nodded, before smiling at Zoey in her arms.

“Which one of the two is this?”

“Zoey,” he said, “This little girl is Claire. The boys are still at home with their usual baby sitter – it didn’t seem right to bring them. Dean said goodbye to them this morning.”

“Hi Zoey,” she said, a slight smile on her lips. “Were you and your brother identical?” He nodded at her, attempting to get Claire to go back into her stroller. She was already asleep against his shoulder, tears streaking her little face. “I can tell. The girls look a lot like you too.”

“They do,” he said, a gentle smile on his lips. “Ben and Nick even more – Zoey and Claire did too when they were younger. They’re looking more like Amelia did each and every day.” He took Zoey back from her, clipping her into her seat next to Claire.

“I should probably let you go, but Cas?” he looked up at her from where he was still crouched. “We have – god we sound like a bad army tv show – but there’s four of us that get together every two weeks or so, talk a bit watch a movie. To combat the loneliness. I know you have the kids to keep you busy but, if you need it or if you want to come, there’s an open invitation.”

“Thank you,” he said and meant it. It was kind of her, kinder than he deserved.

“Just tell me when you bump into me at school,” she smiled before clasping his shoulder again. “I’ll see you tomorrow Cas.”

 

He picked up the boys on the way back and just snuggled with them in bed. It was strange how much comfort he got out of them, how much them snuggling up against him managed to comfort him and feel just a little bit more at home. Claire was fast asleep and half draped across his chest, holding her sister’s hand. Zoey was still up but on the brink of sleep.

“"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly,” he sung under his breath, fingers turning circles on her back, “All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.” It had been their song when they were little, however dark it was. Jimmy and he sang it in tandem until their mother had forbidden them to do so. “Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free.” Her breathing gentled and became more even as she drifted off to sleep. "Blackbird fly, blackbird fly, into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird fly, blackbird fly, into the light of the dark black night."

He smiled, looking down at the pacifier hanging half out of her mouth. He should snap a picture for Dean, to send with a letter in the coming months. It was little things that he knew would help Dean with missing them.

So it was what he did, took the picture and saved it to his phone. After all, he could always use new pictures to show the others. Sometimes fellow teachers would ask to see them or even the students. Castiel was a little bit more hesitant to show pictures of the kids to students because he knew that one wrong click on his computer would lead to flashing more private photo’s than he’d liked to show. He mainly taught an art class and would probably end up pitching in for psychology when the teacher that currently taught it took her maternity leave, so he had the kinder kids, but it still didn’t feel quite right.

A lot of them were holiday pictures of Dean and Castiel lounging on the beach in their summer gear or Dean asleep with Ben spread out on his chest. There were pictures of Zoey and Claire in their kiddie pool splashing around and later one of Zoey pressing a gentle kiss to the top of Ben’s head. Castiel wouldn’t mind them seeing those, it was the pictures of Jimmy and Amelia that he didn’t want to show or the pictures of a newborn Ben and Nick, all wires and bones. They’d been skin over bone with just a little bit of fat. Even Castiel hated looking at the pictures, he didn’t want to show them to the kids in his class knowing that they’d react badly to it.

Just opening up and showing them a picture of him with Dean had been bad enough – he’d been so terrified that they’d react badly to it – showing them those was completely out of the question. It was pathetic really, how worried and how dependent he had been on the approval of a bunch of teenagers.

“You know, he loves you two to pieces,” he muttered under his breath. “More than I thought he would. We’re going to get him home, okay?” He smiled as Ben reached out  to him, attempted to crawl towards him over the fluffy covers. “Not so fast little one. You’ll be walking before we know it you don’t stop growing.” Ben smiled widely at him, reaching out again. “Your daddy Dean won’t recognize you two when he comes back,” he sighed before pulling him a little closer, stopping his attempts at a half crawl. “How about we make sure that you can walk towards him, huh? What do you think?” He shook his head. “No pressure little one, I don’t really mind. He’ll be so glad to be able to hold you again, he won’t let you go.” Ben smiled at him again before yawning and stretching, settling against him. “Oh you too? Are we having a sleep on papa Cas day kiddos?” He just chuckled before dropping his head back in the blankets.

The bed felt big without Dean there to fill it. At least with the four kids there, it felt less empty.  With them there, there was some room that was taken away. He took nick and plopped him on his chest, where Dean’s hand would rest if he was there. His warmth wasn't the same as Dean's, but it was close enough. Close enough to imagine Dean there.

 

Castiel hadn’t noticed that he’d drifted off until he woke up with Nick’s crying two hours later. The girls were still asleep but had snuggled together on Dean’s side of the bed, no longer using him as a pillow. Ben was still cradled in his arm and Nick was still on his chest, clearly not happy with being trapped there anymore. It was on auto pilot that he took the two on his arm and put them in their swings after checking their diapers, went to prepare their bottles. He let them heat up in their respective bottle warmers as he carefully moved the girls to the middle of their bed and put their stuffed animals with them. Even without Dean, he knew how to handle the twins. He knew how to multitask now.

“You know,” he sighed as he fed Ben his bottle, “this might work out all on our own. Don’t you think?” He knew that it was just the first days and hours , that soon enough things would come raining down and he’d be through his reserves. That he’d be drained and emotional. At least now, he still felt like he’d be able to handle it for however long Dean had to be overseas and gone.

 “And we have our baby sitter, don’t we? You two’ll love Lisa. She’s sweet and all for you while your sisters are at day care.” It had been a miracle that they’d find an option that wouldn’t break the bank. Castiel was paying off student loans as it was and didn’t quite have a six figure salary. Their combined pay was enough to pay off whatever had to be paid off each month and get food, diapers and formula, now the baby sitting and day care bills on top of that. Figures ran tight, sure and Castiel would love to have a little bit more to spare at the end of the month, but it was worth it.

“One day, we’re going to get you all a job and you’ll pay some of those costs back,” he joked. “You know, we’ll have to start writing down all hospital costs for you two – god knows there are a lot – and let you pay them off. Just joking, you know that.” Ben started crying again at that. “Hey come on, my jokes aren’t that bad.” 

Cas took him from his bouncer and held him close, comforting the little boy until the wines subdued. “I know. I miss him too. I miss your papa too – both of them. But daddy Dean is going to be back okay? Not today or in a month, but he’ll be here and he’ll sing you right back to sleep and tell you stories.” He was bouncing the little guy on his arm. “He’ll be able to tell you about all the shenanigans that he pulled when he and Sammy were little.” He laughed as he remembered the stories that usually floated around during Christmas dinners. “Maybe I’ll tell you some of the things your father and I were up to. Your papa was a little mischievous thing when he was a baby.”

Castiel had many fond memories of their mother showing them home videos and telling them how they used to wake each other up just to play, or how they sometimes fell asleep curled next to each other during the winter months because they’d crawled in the same bed to talk.

There were so many fond memories that he could share with them, so many of the little things that were in them as well. He’d started recognizing a lot of things that the girls started to do that according to their parents, Jimmy and he had done as well when they were just toddlers. It was a nice thing to notice.

"Come on little man, do you want to help me grade some papers?" He grinned as the little guy just  _stared_ at him. "Thought so. You're going to anyway, come on."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, another chapter pretty soon! ^-^ One of the good things about nanowrimo is that I force myself to write more. Talking about that, should anyone else do it, feel free to [add me](http://nanowrimo.org/participants/janaausten) if you want.  
> You might have noticed, but I did a little cleaning of the lay out of the fic, fixed the previous chapter and added the chapter titles to the missing ones.  
> Should you notice anything else, feel free to mention it to me! I would greatly appreciate it!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	7. Chapter seven: an unexpected twist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Castiel runs late, Charlie decides to let him in on her plans with Jo and one of his students manages to surprise him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter graphic will be added once I have time to get on my computer instead of the tablet.

 

 

_"Today, my heart, like the front door,_

_stands open for the first time in months."_

**— Raymond Carver, from “Bankruptcy,”**

 

** **

 

Castiel woke up with a kink in his neck the next morning. Halfway through the night, Zoey had wandered in the bedroom and  tugged at the blankets until he’d lifted her up and put her next to him. She’d slept there, one hand clutching his shift. If he was honest, he was grateful for her being there. Her steady breathing next to him comforted him, helped him drift off again. Even if her pacifier dug half into his ribs and her teddy bear was ticking his nose. The bed had felt huge without a warm body to curl up next to. Even if Dean not hogging the blankets was nice for a change, he missed it as well.

It was a stupid thing to miss. Hell, he’d expected to miss his aftershave and sleepy smiles, the way that he’d always put everyone’s PJ’s on the heating so they would be nice and toasty. Instead, he found that so far, he missed Dean hogging the bed and pressing his ice cold toes against his calves. Castiel missed it like a coffee addict misses their coffee when they just stopped drinking it a day ago. Maybe it was a little less violent and he didn’t quite miss him that much yet, but he knew that it would come. He didn’t quite craved having Dean there yet.

He knew that soon enough, he’d miss having somebody close to him to whom he could tell when the kids had been grade A assholes. Castiel knew that he would notice just how much he leaned on Dean when a bad day would hit and he would feel like he was crumbling, starting to crack andf all apart again. The kids could and probably would offer him part of what he lost with Dean being gone, but not everything. He could get distraction, some company and comfort, but they wouldn’t listen in the way that Dean would.

 

** **

Their babysitter arrived early that morning. Castiel was still attempting to get the girls dressed when she rung the doorbell. He had only realized that he was running late when he'd been getting dressed himself and had chosen to focus on getting the girls ready, running around in jeans but no shirt. The surprise in her eyes when he stumbled downstairs with Zoey still on one arm and only half dressed almost amused him as he ushered her in

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, “we’re running a little bit late today. My alarm decided not to go off on time.”

“Oh, it’s okay, don't worry about her. Do you want me to finish dressing her?” Castiel just nodded before passing her on to Hael comforting arms and running back upstairs. He was already going to be late for day care and picking up Charlie, but they should still be sort of within schedule. Charlie didn’t have to teach the first period and even though he had to, it was okay if he was a minute or so late.

 

Hael smiled and promised him to take good care of the boys before helping load the girls in the car just a few minutes later. She always did say the same things, but today it felt a little bit more comforting. Dean was usually the one that looked after the boys until Hael got there, but with him gone, it was nice to know that they were getting some extra love. The girls still seemed to be behaving off, even if they were behaving more like themselves than they’d been the previous day. Zoey wasn’t as tired and cranky and Claire, who was usually calm and composed was now yelling and kicking, telling them that she didn’t want to go to the day care, that she wanted to stay home, that he had to stay home.

“Claire, sweetheart. You’re going to have to go,” he told her, setting her down in her car seat. She was turning and twisting too much for him to be able to hook her in. “Your carer told me that you guys were going to do finger painting today. Doesn't that sound fun?”

“Don’t want to,” she said defiantly. She had calmed down ever so little, crossing her arms over her chest as lasts signs of struggle. “Daycare stupid.”

“You love day care,” he said, “Claire, I know that daddy Dean usually brings you and I pick you up.” Her mouth turned into a harsh line, something that he was sure a two year old shouldn’t be able to do. “But if you make something, we can take a picture when I come to pick you up and we can message it to your daddy, how about that?” Claire seemed to brighten up at the suggestion.

“I miss daddy,” she whispered under her breath. “I want daddy back.”

“I know, Claire, I miss him too, but he’ll be back. He will be back before you know it.” He hated lying to her but knew that they would just need to get used to not having him around. Dean would be gone more often that just those few months. Once they were used to Dean not being there, they would be fine with it. They'd be calmer.

“I know papa.”

 

** **

 

Castiel barely made it for the first hour, but that he'd even gotten there was a small miracle. His students must have picked up on his mood or heard about Dean leaving – it wasn’t really a secret with the gossip going around that fast – because for some reason, they were behaving a lot better than they usually did. Castiel explained their assignment, went over the final details and the things they had to keep in mind while working and let them start working with their medium of choice.

One of the good things about being an art teacher was that even though he had to make sure that they didn’t cut themselves – or other students for that matter - when they were working with sharp objects and needed to make sure that nothing went lost and nobody destroyed things, it was a pretty free job. All he had to do was give them their theoretic background and assignment and they were good to go. He could sit back and work on some stuff on his computer while they worked. It was how they got him to share more than he wanted, but he was cool with it.

At the moment, he was working on grading their assignments of the previous week. They’d been working digitally, so it was just going through their emails, seeing who still hadn’t send their stuff in and checking it for all the needed checkpoints. He hated disturbing students while they were working, but some of them hadn’t send in their stuff and he needed to collect everything before the deadline. 

Cas was tempted to go online and see if Dean was online, to go check if he had send a message during the previous day or not. He had to admit that he was weak, that he couldn’t go without him for long. It was why he hadn’t checked the previous day, because he knew he would only freak himself out if Dean hadn’t send him anything. That, and he just hadn’t felt like he had the energy to do so. The kids had been sleeping on his chest and he had been tired, drawn almost. After getting the boys their bottle and later that evening the twins their food, he’d just slept with them, completely forgetting his own food.

It wasn’t like Dean would have had the chance to let him know anyway. Dean hadn’t been able to tell him much about the mission because so much of it was classified information, but what he could tell was that it was a too long flight for a man that didn’t like flying to begin with.

 

Curiosity won the war that period. Halfway through checking assignments, he allowed himself a break and went online. Some people had left a comment on a picture of his, there were friend requests to answer to, but most and foremost, he had a message waiting for him.

He was almost nervous as he clicked it open. Afraid that Dean would have hated the flight and that he was already second doubting the entire thing. That Dean was already wanting to come home or homesick. Castiel knew that even if Dean was doubting, that he would never mention it like that, that he wouldn’t say anything. He’d just suck it up and go ahead, get used to the experience. 

**Dean Winchester – three hours ago:**

_Hey babe. We don’t have much time and can’t tell a lot, but we arrived here safely. Plane was a bitch, but you know how much I hate it. All in all, it could have been worse, trust me._

_You’ll probably laugh your ass of when I tell you the other guys did kind of make fun of me on the plane. But hey, Claire and Zoey made them melt one hundred percent, so I got my revenge in. They’re officially the cutest kids alive, everybody agrees on that. To be honest, I do too._

_Jo told me to make sure that you look out for Charlie a bit while you can. I don’t know why because it’s not her first time, but she said it would probably hit her harder this time around, she just worries, I know I do. Anyway, give the kids a kiss goodnight for me and hug them extra tight. I hope you slept a bit, my amnesiac. Take care and we’ll see each other soon._

_I miss you man. <3_

 

Castiel had to do his best not to melt in front of the entire class at the sight of the little pink heart at the bottom of the screen. It was so unlike Dean to use hearts and all those other overly affectionate things that it was adorable. It was good to hear from him, good to hear that he was doing well and that he had survived the flight without getting drunk.

Cas clearly remembered the first time that Dean and he had been on a vacation together and Dean had stumbled off the plain half drunk because he’d panicked so much and the only way that he knew to drown that panic was with alcohol. It wasn’t something that he liked seeing, he hated it in fact; but it had been what had gotten his boyfriend through the flight so he was thankful.

Castiel was almost one hundred percent sure that his students could see his foolish grin as he typed up a quick reply and attached the photo of Claire and Zoey. It wasn’t a lot, but it was the least that he could do to help.

 

** **

Charlie tackled him during their mutual hour in the teachers lounge, only to announce that Jo had asked her to look out for him because it was his first time. She asked him if Dean had asked something similar, to which Castiel ratted them out. If their partners thought that they were being subtle about their blatant worry, they were a bunch of idiots. Which, to be honest, they always were.

“Dean gave me this, before he left,” Castiel said, burning to tell at least someone about the ring. He could hardly call Sam because he’d been in on the whole thing. It was almost pathetic, but he could hardly call Anna – or Ruby for that matter – to talk about it, because he knew that they would draw conclusions from it. They would take it the wrong way and think that Dean was planning on proposing to him the minute that Dean got off the plane.

In retrospect, it was something that he could see Dean do, but only because he was so relieved to be on the ground again, to be off the plane and into Castiel’s arms. He was predictable and cheesy, acted weird under the influence of adrenaline. If he couldn’t call Anna or Ruby and Sam was in on it, that was about as far as his circle of friends reached. He had Charlie, the only person that he could tell and she was the only one. It was pathetic.

“He’s got taste,” Charlie said with a grin as she spun the ring between her fingers. “When’s the date for the Novak-Winchester marriage huh?”

“Well, Sam’s got taste,” he corrected with a shake of his head. He couldn’t stop the fond smile from darting over his lips. “It was mainly Sam’s design I think. He said that Sam had had it made somewhere over there in Stanford a while ago. You were there Charlie, it’s a promise as he said it, not a proposal.”

“He sure went a long way,” she said, grinning before handing it back to him, “you’ve got yourself a keeper Novak, I don’t think you’re going to be getting rid of him anytime soon.”

“I sure hope not, they’re as much his kids as they’re mine,” he huffed. If Dean would leave him, he had honestly no clue on what he would or could do. The kids loved Dean and saw him as their father, they were struggling so much with his leave already and they knew that he’d be coming back. “And I would kind of miss that pancake master.”

“Pancake master huh? You haven’t tasted Jo’s. When they get back you’ll have to come over for breakfast once. Best pancakes in the entire state, I’m not kidding.” Charlie had that daring look in her eyes. “She’s great at slaying vampires and zombies too. I got the most kickass girlfriend that comes around, Cas. It’s an all in one pack and I got the best one around.”

“You haven’t tasted Deans, trust me. He’s the best in the entire world. And his pies. They’re all from a cookbook that Mary kept and John didn’t want anything to do with, because he says that he’ll only blow up the kitchen.” His expression turned sour as he remembered the Christmas that John had been so certain that he could and ended up switching the sugar and salt, burn the pie and set the alarm off. It surely was the most fun they’d had, after they cleaned up the entire thing. “But I swear, you haven’t eaten better pancakes than Dean’s. It just can’t be.”

“Want to bet, Novak?”

"You bet Bradbury," he said, grinning. It felt good to feel a little bit looser an more relaxed than he'd been in the past few months. "Okay, so, if it turns out that Dean's pancakes are the best ones out there and we reach a consensus on it, you go ahead and watch all four kids with Jo - or maybe that's a bit too cruel." She looked shocked at the sole thought.

"No way Novak. They're sweethearts but I'm not ready for four - Jo and I aren't as skilled with kids as you are, you should know that."

"You're selling yourself short, Char. Zoey almost melted in your arms even though she was feeling far from good. You haven't seen her like that before and she almost fell asleep on you. You've got a gift. Plus, they'll be older by the time that Dean and Jo are back and we think of it.  The boys will probably be their age by then."

"Still. Four is a no go."

"How about just the boys then. Or..." He shook his head. "Or, you come with us to an amusement park. We haven't been wanting to go even though we both know that Zoey and especially Claire would love the rides at Disneyland, but we can't keep all four of them in tow. The boys are just babies they can't run off but Zoey'll go one way and Claire another and we'd have the boys, so we haven't taken them yet. How about that? You’ll have some fun as well."

"Yeah, okay. You've got yourself a plan." She nodded, before her gaze went pensive again. "Now, what will your punishment be if we both decide that my girlfriend's pancakes are the best pancakes in the entire world, aliens included."

"I don't think aliens are going to bake pancakes Charlie."

"You don't know. Maybe they're out there and they're the best pancake bakers that you have ever seen. They still won't be able to beat my girl. Okay, I have an idea. But you can't tell her or I will personally end you and dance on your grave, you got me?"

"I got you, what is it?"

"Okay, so. She shook her head. "This is a bad idea, but I have been wanting to get her a ring." She bit her bottom lip. "You know. The one with gold detailing and forever inscribed in it, that has the connotation ‘until death do us apart’. Anyway, that doesn't quite matter, thing is, I want to be able to ask her in a cute way and, I was thinking that. God, I feel like I'm using you and it won’t even be a punishment for you."

"Spit it out Charlie. Please."

"Okay, so I was thinking of maybe asking her in a cute way when she comes back, you know? This is her third time being out, the first two ones were a lot shorter than this time, so I know I'll miss her, but I also know that I am more in love than I'll ever be able to grasp and that I'll never want anyone else than her. Anyway." Castiel could so easily see that she was nervous and it was almost adorable to see. "Cas, I want to ask her when they come back. They'll probably be granted their free days around Christmas and be here  for a day or two three. If they do the competition then, do you think that Claire or Zoey could be my little helper during the proposal? Like, I don't know man, have an envelope in which there is a card and a ring and she'll give it to her. It's still an idea, but if Jo wins, she gets to do that, okay?"

"Charlie, you don't have to make it a competition if that is what you want," Cas said, looking down at her, "of course either of the girls are able to do that. It's so sweet I’m afraid my teeth might rot, why wouldn't I be on board with it?"

"Wait... really? You're an angel."

"Don't get out the puns Charlie or I swear to god I will change my mind about this whole thing. I can still say no."

"I hadn't even realized that. Oh my god this is kind of bad." She buried her face in her hands. “But, are you really on board, do you really want to help?”

"Sure. I’ll even record it if you want to.” He smiled at the grateful expression on her face. “I have a class to teach, you think about what your actual punishment will be, okay? We’ll have the competition when they’re back for good and we don’t have to be missing them for a few more months, okay?"

"Deal."

** **

 

His last classes of the day were uneventful. After all the explaining and then leaving them be classes, it was weird to be teaching a full hour again. Sometimes it was needed and with the last class, it was no exception. Still, he powered through and let everybody pack their stuff a few minutes early. It was Monday after all and if the kids felt drawn after a long day of school after the weekend, Castiel surely wasn't going to stop them from going home. 

It felt as if he had ran a marathon the entire day. If he was honest, he thought that it was just because he was missing the girls so much more than he usually did, with Dean being gone. Having Charlie to distract him was nice, it surely was, but it still was different, for some reason felt as if it was all wrong. A good night of sleep and getting to cuddle his sweethearts would do him some good, he knew that.

He was distracted from that however, when one of the kids in his class stayed a little longer, awkwardly trailing in the back of the class before skittishly walking up towards him. He frowned as he recognized one of the kids of the other teachers – a math teacher if he remembered it correctly.

“Eve,” he said with a gentle smile, “is there anything that I can do for you?”

“I was hoping I could talk to you, sir? If you don’t mind? I’d understand if you can’t, with the kids and all.”

“It’s alright, don’t worry.” And it was. Hael would stay until five anyway and the girls could stay in daycare a little longer. Charlie had gone home earlier – said that she wasn’t feeling well – so it wasn’t like there was really anyone waiting for him. “Do you want to go sit down?”

She scooted a chair closer to his desk and sat down. It was only then that he noticed just how hunched her shoulders were, how scared she looked. “Sir, I know that you know my father, but I would really appreciate it if you didn’t tell him this.”

“If this is something that I can keep from him, I will,” he promised. “Are you alright?”

“Yes sir,” she said, looking up at him now, “I think I am. It’s just that.” Eve stood up. “I’m sorry, this has probably been a mistake. You don’t have to listen.”

“Eve, please do sit down. Frankly, you’re worrying you. Anything that you say can be kept within these four walls. You don’t have to worry. Would you rather talk to a student counselor? I can make an appointment for you.”

“No, they wouldn’t understand.” She sighed and bit her lip. “It’s just that, you’re the only teacher that I know who isn’t straight. This is going to sound very stupid, but lately I’ve been figuring out that I just never felt that way towards guys.”

“And you think that might be because you’re attracted to girls?” he supplied.

“I think so? To be honest, mister Novak, I have never been in love.” She was tapping her fingers against the desk now, tears pricking in her eyes and part of him just wanted to hug her. He knew how she felt, to be confused and feeling wrong, not to know who you are. What she did was brave.

“It’s not strange not to feel attracted to anyone at a younger age.” He probably should send her off to a school counselor that was more used to it, that was actually trained to help people with questions like hers, but part of him was glad that he was the one she turned to. “You’re only fifteen years old. I know that people are always acting as if they’re experienced, as if they have had a few relationships, but it’s not the norm, as they seem to say.”

“That is just the thing, I don’t want to have a relationship,” she said. “It repulses me in a way. Other kids want two or three kids and a husband or wife in ten years and even though I say that I want the same, I don’t. Not really. I guess I was just wondering if, if that could legit be a thing. Is it, mister Novak? Or am I just broken?”

That, he could work with. “Eve, you say that the idea of it repulses you in a way. Is that the idea of having a relationship in the full version of it – both physical and emotional or is it just physical or emotional?”

“I don’t, I don’t know. Both, I think.” She was stammering now, the poor girl.

“Eve, first and foremost, you are not broken.” He took out a notepad and tore out a page. “I can’t tell you how to identify, but I think I’m familiar with what you are talking about.” He scribbled the words on the page and passed it to her. “When I was younger, I did a lot of reading and figuring out who I am. Finding our your orientation is a whole process and when you think you have got it, it might still surprise you. I thought I was gay for the longest of time, until the internet started offering more information. Anyway, if you want, these are terms that I came across myself when researching. If I’m not mistaken, they might speak to you.”

“Thank you sir.”

“There’s no need,” he said, smiling gently. “If you ever want to talk, you can come back to me, okay? Don’t feel pressured, but if you want to talk, my door is always open.” In her, he could so easily see the tiny young Castiel that had told his parents that he was attracted to guys with a pounding heart and trembling knees. “And breathe, it’s okay. If your father asks, you can tell him that I needed to talk to you about your latest assignment.” She nodded again before standing up and leaving the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading. In special, I want to thank everybody who has been leaving wonderful comments. This fic has no doubt been the one that has gotten the most attention and the one that I feel the most grateful for. Thank you, everybody for reading and leaving kudos, for leaving comments. Just, _thank you_.
> 
> Another note is about the character that I introduced at the end of this chapter, Eve. Since I do not plan on making this a spoiler (I don't quite believe someones sexuality should be used as a spoiler in writing/tv/movies) I think it's my spot to explain her a little bit more.  
> The romantic and sexual orientation that Castiel mentions in this fic is both aromantism and asexuality. In following chapters, she will realize that both of these terms suit her. At this point in time, I'm unsure if she will be aromantic or aroflux - maybe demiromantic, but you'll notice this in the fic as it progresses.  
> Especially asexuality is something that lies close to my heart (me being asexual myself). I am aware of the fact that especially on Tumblr, there has been a lot of boosting and information for both orientations (I should use spectrums here instead of orientations, because truly that is what they are), but I would still like to give you all some recourses on it should you want to read more on this.
> 
> For reading material on asexuality, you can visit the website of [AVEN](http://www.asexuality.org/home/) ( _Asexual Visibility and Education Network_ ) - though I would suggest you steer away from the forums - and [asexualeducation](http://asexualeducation.tumblr.com/index) on Tumblr.  
> Should you want to read more on aromantism, you can find information over on the [Aromantic wikia](http://aromantic.wikia.com/wiki/Aromantic).
> 
> Maybe this is squeezing too much into one fic, since there is going to be a pretty major and upsetting event in a chapter or two, but I hope you understand that I wanted to add the representation, since there is so little representation as is. 
> 
> I'm going to go back in when I've actually gotten some sleep and do some final edits, get some typo's out, but this chapter should be quite clean already - I did do two editing rounds, but it's almost half past three am so I don't know how dependable my editing is. If you spot anything, please let me know!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and haven't given up on me yet. Things are going to be looking up and there will be some brighter days for both Castiel, the kids and the complete cast composing this fic. Hang in there. <3


	8. Chapter eight; Early Morning Haze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter, sorry about that! I thought it was time to put some more fluff in before I get to the chapter that I've mentioned before, where things go down.
> 
> Content warnings for this chapter are mentions of self harm, self harm scars and related thoughts. Please be aware and skip until _Snow white is pretty_ if you want to skip it.

 

 

 

_It’s one thirty in the morning and I can hear the thunder and I can see the stars, and the rain feels warm against my skin._

_It’s one thirty two in the morning and it terrifies me, how much I love you._

_It’s a Thursday and it’s storming and maybe I can still see the stars through the rain because whatever part of me that has always been, has always known that part of you. I think my soul knew your name before I did._

_It’s one thirty six in the morning, and I can’t sleep. And it’s okay._

**-[ lostcap ](http://lostcap.tumblr.com/post/125992246623/its-one-thirty-in-the-morning-and-i-can-hear-the)**

 

** **

 

 

It was oddly quiet at six am, when only Zoey and he were up. She had woken up about an hour ago and refused to go back to bed. He understood, she’d been having nightmares and was scared, he would refuse to go back to sleep as well.

Calming her down had been challenging at first. She wouldn’t stop crying and clinging to him for a solid half an hour, until she finally lifted her head wiped away her tears. It was why he’d put on a Disney movie, hoping that it would distract her enough. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and a bottle of warm milk was enough to get her to stop crying.

As soon as the heating had started up, the five am cold that seemed to cling to everything finally breaking. He didn’t quite mind it as much for himself, but he didn’t want the kids to get sick. Cas was sitting there in just his PJ pants. It was a habit of his to sleep that way and when Zoey had stalked in crying, it had been the last thing on his mind. He hadn't quite caught any sleep. His thoughts had been spinning in circles and  _he missed Dean_. Missed him a lot.

“Papa Cas?” Zoey asked, half sleepy. He didn’t know if she was just starting to fall asleep again or if it was the remains of before. It was early for her. She was propped up against him, watching the television as Snow White bit the apple. For some reason they had always watched the more recent Disney movies with them, even though the older ones were the ones that _they’d_ grown up with.

Rewatching them with the girls was almost bitter sweet, melancholic. He missed when times were that simple and Jimmy and he could relax that easily. Cas had always been more of a fan of them than his brother, but Jimmy had liked them too. Castiel clearly asking their mother one day when _his_ prince would come.

“Yes sweetheart?” He himself was preoccupied. It had been a pretty bad day the previous day. He could hardly believe how close he had been to cutting all over again, he’d even had the blade in his hands. Had opened up the razor. It was pathetic. It had only been Claire waking up from her nap that had distracted him enough to throw them in the trash and pull his attention away from them. The thought that Claire or Zoey could find them and hurt themselves was too scary.

“You okay?” There was actual worry in her voice and it threw Castiel a little. He looked down at her, at the way that she was staring at him.

“Yes Zoey, papa is okay. Why do you ask?”

“Scars,” she just said, her little finger pointing at the scars running up his side, the ones that peeked just above the band of his bottoms. “Painful.” Her little face pulled into a frown. _Oh._

He thought that she had seen them before, that she knew that they were there. Part of him had known that one day, they would start asking questions about them and that he’d have to tell. Secretly, he’d hoped that they’d be older so they understood, so they’d understand that their papa was messed up when he did that.

“They’re old,” he said, pulling her hand away from them. Some of them hadn’t quite smoothed out yet and he was afraid that if she touched them, she’d be scared. The eldest ones were nothing but a pale raised patch of skin. Over the past few years, the previously separate lines had morphed more in entire patches of older and new scars. One day, they’d even and flatten out but they were still welled up now.

The newer ones were more brutal, still rougher. He didn’t want her to touch them. He didn’t even allow Dean to touch them, though he knew that Dean had questions about the newer ones. Castiel had never been one to talk about them, because it _hurt_. He’d start shaking and shivering, would feel terrible.  “They don’t hurt anymore, I’m okay sweetheart. Don’t worry.”

“Okay papa.” She hugged him tight, head resting against his chest. “Snow white is pretty.”

“Yeah, she is, isn’t she?” he said, smiling slightly. “Kind of like you.” He ruffled her hair. “Like you.” Zoey just smiled at him and shook her head.

“No papa, I’m no princess,” she said, “I’m the sidekick.” He couldn’t help but smile at that. “I save the day. Better.”

“Yeah, you do. It's way better than the princess. But being a princess is okay too sweetheart - sometimes everybody needs to be saved. You’ve been watching too many movies with your daddy,” he sighed, ruffling her hair. She would turn out as obsessed as her father and maybe, just maybe, that wasn’t such a bad thing at all. He liked that she was behaving more and more like Dean, that he could recognize his little affectionate gestures her or the way she half sang under her breath in the bath.

“Papa?” she asked again. “Do you like princes more?”

“Sometimes,” he admitted, “but the princesses are beautiful too. How about you? Do you like princes?”

“I don’t know,” she said, falling silent for a bit as Snow White blinked her eyes open on the screen. “Princesses. I like princesses more. Papa, does that make me the prince?”

“Sort of,” he admitted, not sure how to explain. “You know what it makes you?” Her gaze turned back up to him. “The amazing sidekick.”

“There’s this girl in daycare.” She had a tiny smile on her lips. “She’s pretty. I want to be her sidekick.” Castiel just _laughed_ at that.

“You’re becoming more and more like your father every day little one. How about we ask her over for a playdate one day huh? I can ask her mother.”

 

 

** **

 

In a way, it was good that Zoey had woken up so early. Castiel probably would have missed Dean’s scheduled time to Skype if she hadn’t. Truth be told, it would probably be good for Dean to see her for a minute. Seeing photo’s was one thing, but seeing her move – though truth be told, she was sagged against him now, pacifier half in half out of her mouth – and talk to him was an entire other thing.

He’d had to wait a little bit longer, but that was okay. He could grade the papers that he hadn’t managed to finish the previous day. Castiel hadn’t realized when working had become a way of coping. When the bad days had started to be chased away by grading homework and preparing lessons while taking care of the kids or cooking. It was a lot better than before and in fact, he was grateful for it. The house hadn’t been this spot free even when Amelia still managed to do the cleaning.

Castiel was grading papers with Zoey sleeping against his shoulder when the pop up appeared and his heart skipped a beat. It didn’t take more than a second before he’d accepted the call, Dean’s face popping up on the screen. He hadn’t realized that he was sitting there with a Christmas quilt wrapped around him and Zoey still draped against him, using him and the blanket as a teddy bear.

It was probably a sweet sight, but maybe just a little bit weird. Especially if Dean wasn’t alone in the room. He hadn’t even realized that Cas had accepted yet, so Cas had the chance to see the smile spread across his lips.

“Hey Cas.”

“You’ve tanned,” he couldn’t help but say. “You look good Dean. Hi.” The hi was an afterthought, something he knew that Dean noticed.

“It’s warm here, man,” Dean said, laughing. “You can’t not with this weather. It’s nice though. You look good as well Cas.” Maybe he did, Castiel wasn’t sure. He knew that Dean had to notice that he’d lost come weight again. “Actually got some color on your for a change.” Zoey shifted against him, starting to wake up from all their talking. “How are the kids threating you?”

“Ours or the ones I get to leave behind on the weekends?” Dean barked a laugh at that.

“Both?”

“They’ve all been good to be honest. I think the rumor that you left reached them sooner than I thought it would. They all behaved weirdly good and decent the days after you left.”

“How about our little rugrats?” He couldn’t help but notice now Dean’s gaze flicked to Zoey, who was still asleep against him. Her pacifier dug into his skin, but he didn’t want to wake her just yet. She was sleeping so peacefully he really couldn't disturb her.

 “Ours have been…challenging.” Challenging was probably the right word to use there. It wasn’t like they had been misbehaving, it had just been difficult to keep everything organized. “They’ve all been behaving pretty well.  They miss you, Claire’s been asking about you every day. She’s been asking me to put you in our prayers at night. Other than that, Ben and Nick started solids. Their pediatrician recommended we start now, so that they can get used to it more. You know, because they had so much trouble with eating this may be more challenging as well. Those are new textures. I’ve been experimenting with some tastes. No, scratch that, I’ve been cleaning.” Dean laughed again. “What? You try getting carrot out of a white shirt.”

“No thank you.” Dean turned his head as someone walked in in the background, waved at whoever it was and then pointed at the screen. “Sorry, that was Jo. Tell Charlie hi, by the way.”

“I will. You tell Jo hi for the both of us? She’ll love that,” Cas promised. “I think I just had a conversation about sexuality with Zoey.” He himself couldn’t quite believe it himself. She sounded so relaxed about it, as if it was a natural thing. Zoey stirred against him again, eyes blinking open sleepily. She almost looked _accusing_ as he laughed.

“Really?” Dean frowned. “Isn’t she a bit young for that?”

“Yeah. We were watching tv and she asked me if I always liked princes better and I don’t know? She said that she herself liked princesses better.” Castiel ruffled her hair “Look Zoey who’s that?” he asked, not able to hide the grin as she looked up at the screen and grinned.

“Daddy Dea!” she half squealed, reaching her hands out to him. “Daddy!” The smile that spread across Dean’s lips was the best thing that he’d seen that day.

“Hi sweetheart.”

“Zoey what did papa tell you earlier?”

“That I’m the amazing sidekick and not the prince, because I prefer the princesses!” she said, grinning, “and that we can have Sarah over one day!”

“Oh really now? Cas are you setting our daughter up to dating already?” Dean laughed at him. "Seriously?"

“Maybe. We need to start early Dean. Need to get to know our daughter in law soon should it come to that – we need blackmail material.”

 

It was odd, talking to Dean through Skype. Zoey herself didn’t seem to quite get the fact that he was talking through an internet connection and that he wasn’t there with them. She eventually waved goodbye when Dean told them that he had to leave.

“I’ll miss you,” Castiel sighed, putting Zoey on the floor.

“Yeah, me too,” he sighed. “We’ll be back for two days for Christmas though. Just a little bit longer.”

“I know. I love you.”

“Love you too babe.” Dean waved awkwardly before the connection broke. Castiel had thought that he’d feel good about seeing Dean and while he _had_ it just felt more painful now, when it was all over. It had somehow reminded him of just how much he missed him.

Seeing Zoey so happy however, was worth it. They’d played a little bit through the screen and Zoey had told him all about how they’d been making paintings and how she was making one for him.  Dean’s smile at that had been brilliant, saying how he’d love it for sure.

Maybe it should always be like this. So happy and comfortable. 


	9. Chapter nine: Wake Up Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I warned in the previous chapter, this will be the more angsty chapter. Content warning for mention of fires, death, death by fire, grieve.
> 
> ~~Only partially beta read, but I honestly don't have any energy left for that right now. I'll do that tomorrow. Sorry folks.~~

 

_ _

 

_cut him open and you’d find_

_a graveyard of memories in his mind._

_he’s a living tomb; he’s a_

_mausoleum of unspoken hellos_

_and goodbyes said too soon._

_there is poison in his veins;_

_wings on his back that act more like chains._

_he wasn’t born with them; he’s learned_

_how to cope, how to hide, how to use_

_these gifts that were meant to condemn._

 

**weapons cannot choose their purpose (only their targets) | m.a.w**

_Pronouns altered to match._

 

_ _

 

Castiel had forgotten just how much phone calls in the middle of the night still scared him, how much they still freaked him out. When his parents had passed away, the call had come in a little after four am and Castiel still remembered it like yesterday. How he’d been at his uncle and aunt’s house and the phone call had come in, how their baby sitter had woken him up with worry and sadness in his eyes. Just how much Jimmy and he had clung to each other the nights that followed. How they had been taken away to someone while they looked for someone who could take care of them until they were old enough to stand on their own two feet.

When they’d called that Jimmy and Amelia had been in an accident and had passed on, it had been the middle of the night too. Even if it had been five am by the time he had sen the missed calls and seen the voicemail message. Maybe it was too behaviorist a theory to think that part of him had learned that getting a phone call in the middle of the night meant that it would be bad news, but he believed it. It could be another phone call that meant that another person had died. Another person that he loved. 

Part of him was afraid that it would be a foreign number, there would be a person on the other side of the line telling him that Dean had been killed in combat, that he’d been gravely injured. Maybe there was nothing that they could do about it. He didn’t want to believe that it could be, but he couldn’t help but think it anyway.

 “Castiel Novak speaking,” he muttered after glancing at the clock. At least it was already five am. It could be the school asking him to come in or Charlie to call that she was sick and couldn’t come. There were plenty of reasons that anyone could be calling him at this time.  _It was all okay it would be okay._

“Hey, Cas?” He couldn’t immediately recognize who was speaking and it threw him a little. “It’s Sam.” His voice sounded wrong, as if it was shaking. Most of all, he sounded tired and worn.

“Is something wrong, Sam?” Sam never called at an hour like this, he never did. Even if it was something urgent, he’d wait until seven am, he’d wait until they were up. He always waited to talk to them through Skype. With Dean being gone, it was more catching up and seeing how they were holding up, but it had always been through Skype. Never through a phone call. “Did something happen?”

He laughed bitterly. “Yeah, you could say that. Uh. Jess...left.” There was silence on the other end of the line for a second. He thought he could hear the beeping of a machine, people talking. “We had a huge fight over something and she left. Police called. She went back to her art studio. There was an electrical shortcut or something. The place was a cheap thing. She ran in to attempt to safe her finals project.”

“I’m so sorry Sam.” Castiel didn’t know quite what to say. What could he say? He wasn’t Dean, who he knew Sam really needed to talk to. “I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah. The main reason I called is…I cannot stay here. The apartment, all her stuff is there I just. I can’t.” He could hear the tears in his voice now. “It’s all too much. Jess’s parents are arranging the funeral so I don’t need to stay here, but can I crash at your place, for a little bit? Just until…” He fell silent. Cas could fill in the blanks. Until Jess’s family took her stuff out of there, until the funeral is over. Maybe even until the place wouldn’t hurt as much anymore. “I need to be home.”

“Of course. It’s no problem.”

 

_ _

Castiel called in sick for the next two days. His coworkers and boss would understand that he had to be home right now. Charlie at least did. She promised him that she’d drive to the school herself, that it wasn’t a problem, but he still felt a little guilty. She counted on him. He couldn’t leave Sam alone, not right now. Winchester boys may be built to be tough, to withstand a lot, they weren’t unbreakable.

Over the phone, Sam had sounded normal enough but he too knew how different it was in real life. It was easy to fake being okay, to fake a smile. Cas had been there, with his parents and with James, had felt the way the world seemed to crumble and the floor fall away from your feet. If he could do _anything_ to help Dean’s brother get through it better than he had, he would do it.

He called their baby sitter, even though the new guy had only been handling the kids a few days. Castiel hated canceling like that, but he could hardly add another stranger to the mix. The kids would be enough of a distraction as they were. Especially the first few days. Gadreel could come back the next week, when the first shock had worn off. It would maybe even help, having someone to take the boys off of his hands when it became too much. Perhaps it would be good if Sam had the kids to sometimes distract him as well. Distraction was always good, and the girls were really perceptive. If they noticed how sad Sam was as quickly as they did with him, he’d get a hug the second that he walked through the doors.

Cas would go pick him up at the airport around five pm. By that time, the kids should all have woken up from their naps again and be up for a while. He still didn’t know how he was ever going to get to the airport without too much stress and too many kids in the back crying as if they were up for slaughter, but he’d figure something out. Sam knew that he’d wait outside in the car.

He had already let Dean know that they probably wouldn’t Skype the next morning. Cas had figured that Dean would want to talk to Sam more than he’d want to talk to Cas and maybe that was what Sam needed as well. Dean should be here, to help his brother through this. A fire was how the Winchester boys had lost their mother. Even if Sam didn’t quite have memories of her, Cas knew that it had to sting. It was happening all over again, this time hitting harder than it’d done before. It almost had to. Skype was all he could offer.

 

_ _

 

The entire day was spend cleaning and running around everyone. Zoey and Claire were at daycare anyway - canceling on this short a notice would force them to pay extra and he really didn't want that. It was probably better to let them go with their usual routine for a little bit anyway. When they were dropped off, he washed the sheets in James and Amelia's room and let some air in. It had probably been too long since the windows were open anyway.

It still hurt to be in their room, but Sam wouldn't fit on any of the other beds, at least not comfortable. Cas had to put himself over it sooner rather than later anyway. The room no longer smelled like Jimmy’s aftershave or Amelia’s perfume. It no longer had their personalities, especially with their clothes stashed away on the attic. Castiel almost hated cleaning it out, but Sam would need room to hang his clothes and put his stuff. It had been over a half  a year now. He had to suck it up and be a man.

After he’d been done cleaning, it had been an almost fight getting the sleeping kids in the back of their van. They kept waking up long enough that Sam doubted they’d stay asleep for the entire car ride. After that, it was the debacle of finding and filling all the diaper bags and putting them in the respective rows, picking the girls up on the way there.

He really missed having Dean as an extra set of hands at those moments.

 

Sam was silent as he got in the car. He must have gotten some sleep in the plane, because his eyes were still puffed up and his hair was all over the place. He didn’t look good. Didn’t even say anything as he got in the front and buckled himself in. Maybe it was because he was still sleepy, maybe his head was clouded up, he didn't know. Cas wouldn't ask either. It really wasn't his business anyway, unless Sam chose to tell.

“I didn’t know if you’d be hungry or not,” Cas said, pointing at the two coffee cups. “I brought you some coffee though.” _So that you’re at least eating or drinking something. So that I know you’re getting some form of nutrients in._

“Thanks.” He took the cup in his hands, but never took a sip from it, just let it warm his hands. “They’ve grown since I last saw them.”

“It’s been a few months,” he said with a small smile on his lips, looking back at where Zoey was starting to wake up again. “They’ve changed a lot since then. They’re a lot more open, especially the girls.”

“It’s good to see them again.”

“Yeah. They’ll love seeing you too. Especially Zoey has been asking after her uncle moose.” Cas wasn’t quite sure where Zoey had picked up on calling Sam moose, if it had been because of something that Dean had said through Skype or maybe from their grandpa, but she hadn’t stopped. To them it was funny, but maybe Sam wouldn't appreciate it quite as much. “I’m sorry about that, by the way. She’ll grow out of it.”

“Don’t worry – it’s sweet.” And it was. Castiel had laughed for so long the first time he heard. Claire had actually poked her head the kitchen in and asked if her papa was okay. “And that’s, for letting me stay.”

“It’s an open invitation, Sam. Of course you can stay. I wish that Dean were back here though. He’s worried.”

“Does he know?”

“Not quite. I just let him know we might not talk tomorrow morning. We had a Skype session planned. I’m thinking you should talk to him – if you want to.” He took a sip of his coffee, thankful for the heat. “Only if you want to, of course. It’s up to you.”

“Thanks Cas.” He just nodded as he pulled the car on the road.

 

Castiel wasn’t sure how they did it, but they got back before the boys were awake. Both Zoey and Claire were awake in the back of the car, but were still half asleep, clutching their teddy bears close to themselves.

“Can I help?”

“Yeah, sure. Just pick up anyone. Don’t worry about waking them up, the boys should wake up soon anyway.” He wasn’t sure if Sam would wake the boys up if he picked them up, sometimes even he couldn’t get them out of their car seats and he’d been around them for months now. “They’ll complain a little, but don’t worry.”

Cas’s instincts were right. He heard the all too familiar little whimpers when Sam unbuckled one of the boys and lifted him up in his arms. They quieted quickly however, when he stroked Ben’s back and whispered soothing words against his ears. It was adorable to see really.

“He knows you by now,” Cas said, smiling as he took Claire on his other hip. Zoey was already clinging on to him like a monkey on the other side. “I think from all the Skype conversations.” His instinct on how the girls would react to Sam was right. The second that he set her down in the house, Zoey looked around at Sam, waiting until he put Ben in his bouncer and then running towards him.

“Unca Sam sad,” she said, frowning a little. “Okay?”

“Just a little,” he said gently. “Don’t worry little one.”

“Hug?” Sam frowned this time, but she stretched out her arms up and he lifted her up in the air. The second that she could, she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Hug make all better.”

“I’m going to get Nick. Be right back.”

 

_ _

 

Even though it was obvious that Sam wasn’t doing good, he helped around in the house. Castiel told him time after time that he could handle it, that he didn’t have to help out, but he did anyway. First in helping the girls with their food and later with Ben’s bottle.

“Seriously Cas, _let me_ ,” he sighed. “Just let me do anything. It helps.”

“I’ll show you where you’re sleeping in a minute,” he said, putting Nick’s empty bottle down. “It’s as far as I could get you from the boys’ nursery. Zoey and Claire are in the room opposite it, but they should leave you be. When they can’t sleep they usually come to Dean and I’s room.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Let’s go put these munchkins to bed.” Castiel couldn’t help but smile as Nick reached out happily, almost squealing when he got ahold of his hair. He’d started this new thing where he would attempt to reach anyone’s hair and start twirling it in his fingers. “Hey. Stay little. Don’t grow up so fast – your sisters did that way later than you did mister.”

“I think he’s telling you to get a haircut,” Sam said with a small smile on his lips. “Not to be annoying Cas but maybe that’s a good idea.”

“Oh you’re one to talk Sam.” He shook his head. “Look Nick, _more_ hair to twirl.” Nick’s smile widened and he reached out to his uncle.

“Sometimes I wish my brother had never met you Cas,” he sighed, taking Nick in his arms anyway. “Hey there baby boy. You like hair huh?”

“You should have seen him with our previous baby sitter, Hael. She has this really long hair. I always felt sorry for her.” Hael had been a wonderful girl, but he understood why she had to go. At least she’d been kind enough to give them a number to another person that she trusted. “He’s the only one of the two. Ben’s calmer in general. He has his days, but Nick is almost always like this.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Sam’s face fell. “You know, Jess absolutely adored them. You know after your graduation, she had baby fever for a solid _month_.” Sam smiled at that, eyes clouding over. “She started following so many parents on Tumblr and babies on Instagram. It was kind of annoying, because the art she did turned into baby related stuff as well. I remember having to scrub baby blue paint out of the couches so often because she’d been working on the couch again. I would have brought her over for Christmas, so she could see for herself just how much they changed.” He shook his head. “I think she’d love them.”

“I think we still have a few pictures from when you guys visited. I can give them to you, if you want?”

“That would be nice, thanks Cas.”

“I’ll look in a minute, I know we have some of both of your first time holding both boys.” Castiel clearly remembered taking those photo’s, remembered because it had been just a few days before Nick was allowed to come home. “Claire, Zoey, do you want to help put your brothers to bed?”

Cas had started asking them if they wanted to help out with the housework a little bit ago. It wasn’t like they had to do a lot, all he asked was if they could help putting toys away or their brothers changed. He adored it when they got to pick out their PJ’s or clothes. Sometimes, the combinations they made were just crazy, but he always let them put it on them anyway.

Today, their combination was oddly okay. They both picked the same PJ’s for their brothers and helped snap the buttons, before pressing a kiss to the top of their heads. Zoey had been lifted up in Sam’s arms and couldn’t stop smiling when she realized that she was taller than her papa.

“You know what time it is when your brothers go to bed?”0

“Yeah. Go pick out your PJ’s okay, while I show your uncle his room. Can you do that for me?” They nodded before running off. “I think the sheets should be coming out of the dryer any second now.”

“You’ve become really domestic,” Sam said silently attempting not to wake up the by now sleeping boys, “in just the past couple of weeks.”

“Sam, when you’re on your own, you don’t have a lot of choice,” he whispered back, turning on the baby monitor before closing the door as gently as possible. “And they’re good kids, really good. So it’s not hard with them around. If I had to wait until Dean comes back to suck it up and learn how to do my laundry this place would be doomed.”

“I guess it would be.”

“Okay, so this is your room. Do you want to be alone for a bit?” Cas knew that he had wanted to be alone the days after, that sometimes even Dean hugging him would feel like too much. It was alright when they slept, Dean had actually offered some comfort. When he was awake and his mind turned on, it felt like it was all too much. “I’m going to get started on some dinner for us anyway, put them in bath and then off to bed.”

“Yeah. That would be nice. Thanks Cas.”

“Of course. I’ll bring the sheets once they’re done.”

 

Castiel loved story time. He loved sticking to the stories that were in their books or making things up as they went. Some days, they’d ask him to make up a story, like today. Some days, he’d draw inspiration from things his students said, other days the past. Now it, wasn’t hard.

He told them the story of a prince who was left alone after his princess died. He didn’t know where the rest came from, how he started telling about a new adventure quest. He promised them that he’d finish the story later, when they weren’t this close to sleep.

“Papa?” Zoey asked him sleepily. “I think the prince should get a prince – like you and daddy. Happily ever after.”

“Maybe, sweetheart, we’ll see. Good night sweetheart.”

“Good night papa.”

 

Cas brought Sam his sheets and his food, but he doubt that Sam would eat it. He’d attempted to keep it light, considering that Sam probably wouldn’t be that hungry anyway and neither was Cas. It had drenched up some memories he didn’t quite like and, truth be told, he just missed Dean.

He ate next to the computer, clicking through the pictures and sending the ones with Sam or Jess in to Sam’s email account. It wasn’t a lot and he wished that he could do more, but it was all he could do at the moment.

“You should be here Dean,” he whispered under his breath. “He’d have so much more help from you being here than from me.”

 


	10. Chapter ten: thanksgiving

_ _

 

_i left my house today._

_i needed to get away from you,_

_the memory of you anyways._

_every wall, every corner_

_wakes up another ghost_

_and they whisper:_

_you were here. She was here_

_i can’t get rid of them_

_why’d you leave them for me?_

_my legs led me to the part of the neighbourhood_

_where the air smells like pine_

_and every street is coloured differently at night_

_i walked past my childhood_

_i walked. and i walked_

_until my legs started aching_

_(my heart started aching too)_

 

**[why’d you leave your ghosts everywhere? why do i keep](http://stigmmata.tumblr.com/post/134606388831/i-left-my-house-today-i-needed-to-get-away-from) **

**[collecting them? | wolfiesun](http://stigmmata.tumblr.com/post/134606388831/i-left-my-house-today-i-needed-to-get-away-from) **

** **

 

Waking up without kids scattered all over the bed was different. It was weird, but not the bad kind, it was just, different. It had been a long time since he’d seen the sun shine through the blinds and seen the alarm clock flash back nine am at him. Usually it was six or seven am, sometimes even five am, so this felt like a fresh breath. It had been months, more than months even. Before Amelia and James passed away, hell probably before he’d started dating Dean.

He stretched, wincing as his back popped. Dean would have poked him in the ribs or shoved him over for it - he hated it when Cas popped any joint on his body. He’d been lying in the same spot for a little too long. There were sounds coming from downstairs, laughs and faintly the soundtrack of a Disney movie. A still sleep drunk part of his mind informed him that Sam must be up with the kids. They were fine and not still asleep. The girls had to be at daycare, but he’d told Sam, so maybe they would be.

Castiel wandered downstairs, unable to stop his smile from spreading over his lips as he saw Ben in his bouncer, actually laughing out loud for one of the first times. Sam was sitting on the couch with Nick on his lap, watching what appeared to be Lady and the Tramp. Nick was completely uninterested in the movie, just watched Sam.

“Hi,” he said, looking up from the baby in his arms. “I brought the girls to daycare for you.”

“Thank you.” He couldn’t help but yawn. “You could have woken me up, I wouldn’t have minded.”

“You seemed to need it,” Sam shrugged, “and they’re keeping me busy, it’s all good.” He smiled down at Nick as he grabbed his sleeve, clearly not happy with the lack of attention he was getting from his uncle. “You guys like me, don’t you?” Nick laughed as Sam tickled him. “See?”

“Okay. Let me make breakfast at least,” he mumbled for a minute feeling utterly unneeded in his own house. “Do you feel up for French toast? I feel like it.”

“Yeah, sure.” He looked up from Nick again. “And Cas? Put a shirt on before you burn yourself.” _Oh right_. Cas rubbed his hand across his face.

“Right. Thanks. Have you talked to Dean yet?”

“Yeah, this morning. We Skyped until he had to go. It was good, seeing him again. I think that he’s glad I’m here, I don’t know.” He shook his head. “He looks tired.”

“He would be,” Cas sighed. “They’re pushing him a little. I think he’s glad that it’s almost Christmas. They’re coming back next month, I believe.” He wasn’t quite sure anymore. Because of what they were doing overseas, Dean wasn’t allowed to share a lot with them. It could be that they were coming back for just Christmas, but they could be coming for New Year’s as well. As it drew closer to the second half of November, things would clear up and he’d be at more liberty (and certainty) to say when to expect them. “I was thinking of having Thanksgiving here, with Bobby and John. You, if you want to come. What do you think?”

It was about time to start planning, see what he could cook. Being a teacher automatically granted him the holidays off without having too much work, thank god, so he could take the time to cook. He’d already put Turkey on his mental list of _things I need to buy_ but that was about it.

“Sounds nice.” From the corner of his vision, he could see Sam put Nick next to Ben in the swing. “I’d love to. They called dibs on Christmas, right?”

“They did, indeed. I don’t know if they’ll be great cooks, but they called dibs on Christmas.” Castiel honestly doubted that they would be anywhere close to good cooks, but it was worth it. As long as they didn’t end up with food poisoning.

“They’ll get take out,” Sam promised from where he was standing against the counter. “Trust me.”

“Hallelujah.” He laughed at that. “Somehow I don’t trust your father within three feet of a stove.”

“I don’t either. I don’t think Dean trusts him anywhere near a kitchen. There’s been a few years when we honestly all wanted him as far away from a kitchen as humanly possible. It’s how Dean learned to cook as well as he does.” Sam smiled again, fond. “You know, if Jess would be around, she’d love to help out with cooking. She was an amazing cook.”

“So that’s where the freshman fifteen came from?”

“Hey watch it.” Sam jabbed him in the ribs. “At least I have an excuse for my freshman fifteen –and it’s only seven pounds mind you.”

“Instant foods may not be good for calories but they’re good,” Cas sighed, remembering those first freshman years, when he was still in denial about everything and the workload had seemed to be almost too much. “And I lost them again, thank you very much – how do you even know?”

“I’ve seen the pictures.”

 

** **

  

Sam took a plane back to Jess’s hometown for the funeral five days later. Castiel didn’t know if it was safe for him to go alone, but he had insisted upon doing so. He needed to get some things from their apartment, end the lease. He wanted to help the family collect her stuff and see which things he still wanted. He’d said that there were a few things that reminded him of her, like some of the necklaces that she wore and her big wool scarf. It was what he came back with; a big scar, necklaces, a silver ring and perfume.

Sam was doing well, all things considered. Castiel got him to eat on the second day and the third day he didn’t even have to ask anymore. Slowly, Sam learned to fall asleep when he was alone.  Castiel had woken up in complete silence with an empty bed quite a few times the first days and went downstairs to find Sam asleep on the couch with the kids there. He made sure to always leave breakfast for Sam before going ahead and taking a shower. After he came back, he actually was better. It almost was as if seeing her grave had helped him distance himself from her a little bit.

Castiel knew that she wasn’t forgotten, it had only been a week and he still heard him talk to her at night, when everything was silent, but her loss had been. It seemed like that at least, as if Sam had decided that he could get past this best if he just accepted it.

With Gadreel – the new babysitter – around, he’d started to open up a little more and it was good to see. It was the only reason that he’d gone back to school on Monday to teach. Castiel loved coming home with the girls and seeing how they both ran to one of their baby sitters, wanting to sit in their necks. He’d lost count of how often they’d yelled _I’m taller_ and laughed. Laughed until their bellies ached and either of the guys lifted them back out of their necks.

This was good for them, for all of them. The rhythm in which they lived changed. It was good having some company again that could actually have proper conversations with him. The kids were great and the Skype conversations had helped some, but sometimes he missed having another adult walking around in the house.

Cas knew that he’d sort of miss it, when Sam was through it all a little bit more and could go back to Stanford. Sam had said that he wouldn’t go back before the end of the exams though, so that was a good thing. He’d probably be relatively stable by that point. It would mean that Dean would be closer to coming back home.

 

** **

 

 

The day before thanksgiving, Sam was back to his books. Cas had woken up with Claire and Zoey in bed with him and a faint crying from the boys room. When he walked past Sam’s room, there was light shining through the doors. Through the crack, he’d seen Sam sitting on the bed with his books scattered around him.

It had settled something inside Castiel, helped him realize that Sam was doing better than he made out to be. If he was focusing on school again, it had to mean that things weren’t as bad as Castiel thought.

That first day, he only came downstairs for lunch, dinner and a few breaks. Castiel made sure to bring him a sack or something to drink, just to make sure that he was still doing okay in there. Maybe he used studying as a form of therapy as well, Cas honestly didn’t know.

On Thanksgiving, he studied until noon, when Castiel had just started cooking. With the kids all asleep, it was the only chance that he had to properly start cooking. He was sure that Dean would have died laughing if he’d seen him. The stuffing had somehow found its way to his shirt and hair instead of with in the meat, but eventually it got in the oven.

“Done for now?” he asked Sam as he washed his hands.

“Yeah, do you need help?”

“Sure, if you want to. Could you chop up some veggies for the side dishes? Just cube them – it’ll be fine. They’re in the fridge.” He heard the slamming of the fridge door and later the scraping of a knife. “How’s studying going?”

“Okay. It’s a lot to catch up on. I only missed two weeks but it’s a lot to get through.” He could imagine that. University had been hard on him and he’d always been on track. “I think I’m caught up on one subject at least and I get most so yeah. When are dad and Bobby getting here?”

“I think in a few hours, around five? They had a car they needed to work on for a while. Fuck-“ Sam slammed his hand on the counter. “I take it you have a Band-Aid somewhere?”

“Yeah, we have kids running around, what did you think? Bathroom. Run your finger under the tab, I’ll go get one.” It was almost the same as Claire or Zoey running up to him with a bruised knee or bleeding cut – something that thank god had not happened often – except that he didn’t have to fuss over Sam as much. “Sam, science or princesses?”

“Any, it doesn’t matter.”

“Okay, it’s the princesses than, we’ve got more of them than the others. Zoey likes the science ones more, can’t say I blame her. There’s something oddly adorable about blood cells and microscopes when they’re drawn for children.” He shook his head. Even though he really shouldn’t be happy about her coming back from kindergarten with all scraped up knees because she’d fallen while playing tag with some of the older kids, but it had made her look oddly adorable. “You should have seen her a while back. Her knees were pretty banged up, so I put one of those big gauzes on it, to keep it clean. She insisted on having one on there. It was pretty adorable.”

“Are they still asleep?”

“Yeah, I hope they’ll wake up by the time we’re done in the kitchen, so we don’t have to manage both _them_  and the food. Once was enough and even with Dean’s help it was a tiny disaster so.” The girls had been younger and crawling around at their feet, constantly distracting them and Cas had burned his hand pretty bad, so it wasn’t something that he wanted to get used to. “But the boys should be good for at least another hour or so.”

“Okay.” Sam flexed his finger. “Let’s finish up then, before they’re up.”

“Yes, good idea. Sam?” He looked up from where he was already holding the knife again. “We don’t need any finger or blood with the vegetables.”

“Very funny Cas, very funny.”

 

By some miracle, the girls woke up after they’d cleaned up most of the kitchen already. All that Cas had left to do was get them out of their PJ’s and into clothes, the boys up and the downstairs cleaned up a little before their guests arrived.

Even though it was just John and Bobby, he wanted things to be clean and presentable.  Truth be told, he kind of missed having family around. While he didn’t have that many relatives that he talked to – when James passed away that number had practically been brought back to zero – he did miss it.  John and Bobby were some of the only people that he did talk to, even if it was rarely.

“This should be clean enough,” he sighed, throwing his cleaning rag back in the soap. “They’ll make a mess with their toys anyway.” Sam had been helpful, had set the table and kept a still sort of sleepy Zoey busy while Claire followed him around and help him pick stuff up off the floor. “All done, Claire?”

“All done!” she said, grinning, head snapping to the door as the doorbell rang. “Open?”

“Yeah, go open it. It’ll be grandpa John and Bobby.” The grin on her face widened and she ran towards the door. Castiel could hear it as they stepped inside and John probably lifted her up in his arms.

The girls loved John, Cas knew that. Castiel also knew that Dean was proud that they’d taken such a liking to his family as well. He always said that, that they were lucky, that the girls could have been scared of John Winchester – truth be told, as Castiel had been at first – or that they just wouldn’t have liked him.

“Granpa!” Zoey said from where she was still slouched against Sam’s chest. “Unca Bobby!”

“At least I don’t sound as old as you,” Bobby sighed, picking Zoey up when she stretched out her arms to him. “Hey kiddo. I’m sorry, Sam.” She settled against his chest, wrapping her arms around him. It was a sweet sight.

“Yeah, thanks.” Sam shook his head, as if he wanted shake a memory out of his head. “We should be getting ready for food soon.”

“You helped cook?” John asked, eyebrows raised.

“I’ve got the scars to prove it,” he said, holding up his finger with the bright pink band-aid. “Always pay attention when cooking. Got that lesson.”

“You take after your father,” Cas teased. “Good that Dean took after Mary then.” Both John and Sam threw him unimpressed glances. “I’ll go check the food, but it should be done.”

 

Castiel missed Dean at the table, but their Skype conversation helped a little bit. They’d set up a connection between the laptop and the tv so they could all talk to Dean, even if it was just for a little bit.

It was almost magical, seeing how a smile stretched across Dean’s lips when he saw not only Sam and the kids but Bobby and John too. Zoey had been asleep on the couch, but woke up the second that she heard her father’s voice through the speakers.

Castiel almost felt as if he fell in love all over again. They laughed and talked and Claire showed Dean a toy that she’d gotten from Sam a little bit ago. Zoey told him all about Gadreel and how he was sweet and he played games with them and how he was ‘tall as a skyscraper’. Dean’s laugh was the warmest sound that he’d heard in such a long time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

** **

 

Zoey and Claire slept next to Cas that night. For a long time, he just watched their steady breathing, the way that they were curled up close, hands twisted in his shirt.

“You should be here,” he muttered, “you know. You should be. Your boys have gotten to incredibly big James.” Castiel couldn’t hide his smile. “The girls too. Claire is such a determined little girl, always helping me around, always doing all the things that she loves to. We got the both of them dolls recently and they take such good care of them. Just the other day, I saw Zoey carrying her doll around and teaching them all about different things in the house. She stood at a picture of all of us and she just went ‘that’s my papa, he’s an angel’. She said more,a bout how she misses you but it’s okay, because she’ll see you again. I nearly cried, James. Not because it’s sad or anything, but because that’s such a you thing to say that it almost _hurt_. Zoey is so much like you that.” He took a deep breath, hiding how it broke. “Claire is like Amelia in so many ways. She’s in love with John, calls him her big teddy grandpa. She helps with Ben and Nick so much, you have no idea. I’d like to think that you’d be proud of them. Very proud in fact. I think that Zoey might already be more aware of sexuality than we ever were before our fifteenth birthday.”

She crawled a little closer to him. “Papa?”

“It’s okay sweetheart. Don’t worry. Go back to sleep.”

“Okay papa.” Her pacifier dug into his skin, but he didn’t mind. “Can we pray, papa Cas?”

“Yes, of course.” He took a deep breath. “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen.”

“God,” she whispered against his skin, “please take care of papa up there.” The pacifier fell on his chest. “Mama too.” She must have heard him talk. “And auntie Jess.” Zoey lifted herself up a bit. “Papa Cas, can we pray for daddy? Even if he’s not an angel?”

“Of course sweetheart, do you want to pray for daddy?”

“Yeah. God, can you please look out for my daddy? So that he doesn’t become one of your angels. I don’t want another angel daddy, please?” His heart ached at her remark. She’d lost so much, perhaps this was too much. A final straw. “Papa Cas is sad without him. If daddy goes to heaven, I think papa might too.” The grieve in her voice broke him.

“Thank you, god. In the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. Go to sleep now, Zoey.” She nodded and settled herself against him.

“Goodnight papa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. ♥ There's one more (longer) chapter after this one and then we're finally _done_. Hang in there people, we'll get to happiness. ~~I still need to beta this chapter I'm very sorry~~.


	11. Epilogue: Welcome Home, Soldier.

_ _

_I think we deserve_

_a soft epilogue, my love._

_We are good people_

_and we’ve suffered enough._

**[—Seventy Years of Sleep # 4. nikka ursula (n.t)](http://stigmmata.tumblr.com/post/134610642691/i-think-we-deserve-a-soft-epilogue-my-love-we) **

 

 

 

_Augustus 2015_

Castiel was pacing back and forth in the waiting area. He'd tried to be calm, god knew that, it really wasn't working out for him. After Christmas had been a bust and Dean hadn’t been able to come home, he craved Dean’s voice and strong arms more than anything. For over a year, they hadn’t been able to kiss, hadn’t been able to hold each other and it was weighing on him. Talking to Charlie and the other people left behind by their relatives had helped him cope a little and the Skype conversations had as well, but it really wasn't the same.

The kids had gotten so big since Dean had last seen them. He couldn’t wait to see Dean step off of that plane, all sun tanned and probably shaky from the flight. Castiel _longed_ to see the smile spread across his face and the girls run towards him on no longer unsure legs. This time, it would be Nick and Ben, big and happy that walked towards him. They’d walk and giggle and point, because that was their daddy. That was, if they woke up before they arrived.

Castiel had done everything in his power to make sure that they’d remember Dean. He’d heard horror stories, of soldiers coming back and their kids not recognizing them. With all their Skype conversations, the boys had seen him and talked to him in a way. Ben’s first words had been ‘dada’ while pointing at a picture of Dean that he’d put as his phone background. He’d felt his heart swell that day and had been high spirits the rest of the week, just because of a simple word like ‘dada’.

“Papa, when is daddy coming?” Zoey asked, tugging at his sleeve. She’d gotten so tall the last half year or so. It was crazy to think that she could reach him so easily now. “Is he coming soon?”

“Yeah, he will be,” he promised. “Once the airplane arrives he’ll be coming right back.” Castiel knew that it couldn’t last too long now. The other families had all arrived and the fact that their plane was on the way back and ought to land somewhere in the next two hours. He  _thought_ that he'd seen them land, but he honestly couldn't be sure.

 _Fuck,_ it seemed like an eternity, had to feel like one especially to the kids. Claire had eventually ran off to one of the gift shops with Gadreel and Sam, trying to find something for her daddy Dean. He’d just let her go, knowing that her uncles would be just fine with her. It wasn't like Gadreel didn't know how to handle her and her explosive energy levels. She sometimes drove him crazy with how much she wanted to run around and be active.

 

Sam had adapted relatively well to the new arrangements. It was something that Castiel wondered about, how Dean would react to it. He knew that when Sam had come to talk to him a month ago, he’d been surprised. At that point, it had only been five months since Jess had passed away. Even though he’d gone back to school, it was clear that he was still suffering and that he still wasn’t one hundred percent back to healthy. Apparently, Gadreel had helped him unravel the mess inside his mind, helped him piece his heart together again.

They were sort of adorable together though. Sam was good for Gadreel and Gadreel good to Sam. They brought out the best in each other. It did mean that they had to find another baby sitter – Cas felt awkward paying their practical uncle to watch them while he was working. Not that he’d needed Gadreel to do so since they’d gotten together because of the summer holidays. Dean would be able to look after them more often as well, when the year started again.

Not having work the past month and a half was a blessing. He’d forgotten how much he adored spending the entire day just lounging around and spending time with the kids. Without papers to grade and one thousand things to do, he could actually enjoy hanging out with the kids and properly attempt to keep Ben and Nick in tow. He was actually quite glad that they’d fallen asleep in their stroller and he didn’t have to chase them around in the airport. At home it was okay. Claire and Zoey were big and grown up enough by now that they played with each other. He loved seeing them color and paint together, even if it meant that he’d have to wash their clothes twice just to get all the stains out.

“Papa! Papa!” Zoey whispered excitedly, tugging at his sleeves as the loud buzzing came closer. “Look!” The doors opened up and there they were, all soldiers ready to come back. He had seen that they did their salutes outside, just outside of the plane. Castiel hadn’t thought that they’d be here this soon, that they’d be inside so soon.

His stomach lurched as he saw so many unfamiliar faces and eventually, _Dean_. The world seemed to focus on only him and everything else faded in the background.

“Do I go to Jo now?” Zoey whispered. "Or can I go to daddy first? Please papa?"

“One minute sweetheart, one minute.” His voice was thick with the tears in his eyes. “Charlie’s mom will come get you to go to Jo and give her the ring and then you can come back in an instant, okay?” Dean was _there_. He was breathing and healthy, smiling. He was looking for them in the crowd. He felt a light tap on his shoulder, where Jo’s mom was standing. “Okay Zoey, go.” He made sure that Jo’s mother took her by the hand before he ran towards Dean.

Fuck, Dean was taking so long spotting them in the crowd. Cas couldn’t run towards him either, because the boys were sitting right there in their stroller and Gadreel, Sam and Claire weren’t back from the gift shop yet. He couldn’t let them just sit there, he had to wait for Dean to spot him.

He saw the _exact_ moment that Dean did, the way that his lips formed this huge dorky smile and _he_ started running. Or at least, he crossed the distance between them in a few long strides and took him in his arms. Cas felt his warmth _right there_ and the tears gave up. He had to practically be sobbing as he pulled Dean closer and just clutched at his uniform, holding on.

“You’re back,” he whispered against Dean’s chest. “You came back, you’re fine, you came back.”

“Fuck, I missed you.” He smelled exactly the way that Castiel remembered, like sweat and vaguely of coffee. “Are these my baby boys?”

“They grew a lot.” He couldn’t help but grin as he stepped away and unbuckled the boys. “Remember when you could easily pick both of them up?” Nick blinked his eyes open for nothing more than a second before falling right back asleep against Dean’s shoulder. It was Ben who opened his eyes and let his pacifier tumble right out of his mouth.

“Dada! Dada!” he almost squealed as Dean lifted him up in his arms and hugged him close.

“Dada is home,” Dean whispered against the top of his head. “Dada is finally home.”

"Welcome home, soldier.Welcome home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is it people. Shit, it's done.
> 
> Thank you so much for holding on to this and being patient while updates lacked.
> 
> I'll write a proper thank you note tomorrow, because I know that I need to thank a few people but I think I honestly need a moment.
> 
> **Thank you.**


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